I’d like to start a very unpopular question, which is are you a narcissist?
Before you get defensive, let’s break it down and get to the nitty-gritty of what narcissism is, why it matters, and most importantly, if you’re one of the six people in the room who might just have a little extra love for themselves.
I’m not saying you’re the villain in every relationship story, but, let’s see if the shoe fits.
- Narcissism can fade as people age, with traits peaking in the 20s and mellowing out by middle age.
- Relationships with narcissists are often emotionally draining due to blame-shifting, manipulation, and lack of accountability.
- Narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, and most people fall somewhere in the middle, meaning personal growth and self-reflection are possible.
Table of Contents
Types of Narcissists
Narcissism isn’t just someone being a little too into themselves. It’s a cocktail of grandiosity, a need for constant admiration, and a serious lack of empathy.
We all know a few people who fit the bill, maybe it’s your boss, your neighbor, or your mom.
For me, it was my mom, 100% at least from the start before she was joined by my siblings and other family members.
Growing up, she had this way of making me feel like I was the family’s disappointment. Not to mention, she managed to convince everyone around her with the same belief.
1. Grandiose Narcissists
Traits:
- Self-View: They see themselves as extremely important and entitled.
- Actions: Often seek admiration by boasting and acting arrogantly.
- Relationships: They tend to dominate conversations, lack empathy, and may exploit others.
2. Vulnerable Narcissists
Traits:
- Self-View: Feel insecure and are very sensitive to criticism.
- Actions: Appear shy or reserved but still have a sense of superiority.
- Relationships: They may act passive-aggressively and crave constant validation.
3. Malignant Narcissists
Traits:
- Self-View: Mix narcissism with antisocial behavior and aggression.
- Actions: Lack a sense of guilt, often acting in manipulative or harmful ways.
- Relationships: Extremely toxic, leaving others emotionally or physically harmed.
4. Covert Narcissists
Traits:
- Self-View: Like vulnerable narcissists but better at hiding their true nature.
- Actions: Passive-aggressive and manipulative, while appearing humble.
- Relationships: Hard to spot, which can make their subtle harm more damaging.
5. Communal Narcissists
Traits:
- Self-View: See themselves as extremely caring and moral.
- Actions: Do good deeds mainly to gain admiration and praise.
- Relationships: Use their “selflessness” to manipulate and elevate their social standing.
What Research Shows: The Numbers Don’t Lie
- Around 5% of the US population actually have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). That’s about 1 in 200, but plenty more show narcissistic traits.
- Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and an expert on narcissism, stated in a podcast that 1 in 6 people are narcissists.
- Men are more likely to be narcissists. Studies suggest that 7.7% of men and 4.8% of women are working that NPD vibe. Sorry fellas, this one’s on you.
- Narcissism tends to fade as you age. Yep, it’s scientifically proven, the American Psychological Association (APA) says as you get older, you chill out a bit. Good news for anyone under 40, you’ve got some growing up to do.
The Early Signs of Narcissism
Ever caught yourself wondering if you’re turning into your mom or your overly dramatic ex? It’s not as uncommon as you think.
For me, growing up in a family where I was the black sheep, I had to ask myself that question plenty of times. But here’s the thing: not every annoying habit equals narcissism.
Here’s how you can spot the signs:
1. The Attention Magnet
Narcissists thrive on validation, constantly needing people to tell them how amazing they are. My sister, for example, was always about putting her life on display, chasing the next compliment. The insecurity underneath? Oh, she’d never admit to that, but boy, was it obvious.
2. Entitlement Much?
Ever feel like the world owes you something? Narcissists do—constantly. They walk into a room expecting to be treated like royalty. My brother was a classic example. He showed up late to family gatherings, knowing full well everyone would be waiting on him. No apologies, just attitude.
3. Using People For Personal Gain
This one’s a doozy. Narcissists don’t think twice about stepping on others to get ahead. I’ll never forget when my sister tried to ruin my relationships, spreading lies just to keep me down. Classic narcissistic behavior—take from others, and pretend you did nothing wrong.
Narcissism Peaks in Your 20s, But Don’t Panic
Here’s the good news—narcissism tends to mellow out as you get older. So, if you’re reading this in your 20s and freaking out, relax. Most of us hit peak narcissism somewhere between figuring out adulthood and our first real job.
For me, moving to Canada at 13 gave me a crash course in “life isn’t all about me.” I had my moments, sure, but the good thing about getting older? You get hit with some serious self-awareness.
Here’s how to tell if you’re outgrowing it:
- You can handle criticism: Feedback doesn’t send you into a spiral anymore.
- Empathy is kicking in: Other people’s feelings are starting to matter.
- Attention-seeking is less important: You don’t need to be the center of attention to feel good about yourself.
If you’re pushing 30 and still think the world revolves around you, though… maybe time to reevaluate.
Am I Doomed If I’m a Narcissist?
Whoa, let’s not jump to conclusions.
Just because you’ve got some narcissistic tendencies doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Narcissism lives on a spectrum, and most people fall somewhere in the middle. Unless you’re on the extreme end (hello, NPD), you can work on it.
So, what can you do?
Therapy. Yep, the answer you don’t want to hear, but it works. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help people with NPD.
Here’s the kicker though: narcissists rarely think they need help. My mom? She’d never step into a therapist’s office because, in her mind, she’s perfect. But for the rest of us willing to do the work, therapy can be life-changing.
Here’s what therapy for narcissism looks like:
- Learning empathy: Yes, even the least empathetic people can learn to care.
- Shifting your mindset: CBT helps change harmful beliefs and behaviors.
- Improving relationships: It teaches you how to stop sabotaging your relationships with everyone around you.
You don’t need to have full-blown NPD to benefit from therapy. We all have things to work on, I certainly did. Once I let go of the toxic influence of my family, I started focusing on how to build healthier relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the key traits of a narcissist?
A narcissist typically shows grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and lack of empathy.
How many people are narcissists?
About 1 in 6 people display narcissistic traits, and 5% have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Do narcissists know they are narcissists?
Most narcissists are unaware of their behavior and rarely think they need help.
Can narcissism improve over time?
Yes, narcissism often fades with age, especially as people reach their 30s and beyond.
What is the best treatment for narcissism?
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the most effective treatment for managing narcissistic tendencies.
