Family Scapegoat Estrangement: How I Deal With the Aftermath?

Being the family scapegoat is like wearing a heavy coat of blame, always feeling like you’re in the wrong, no matter what you do.

It’s a bit like playing a never-ending game of “pin the blame on the scapegoat” where you’re left feeling misunderstood, isolated, and unfairly treated.

I know because I’ve been there. And if you’ve felt like the designated troublemaker or the go-to person for all family issues, you’re in the right place.

Family scapegoat estrangement can be incredibly isolating. It damaged my self-esteem and well-being, but I’ve also learned how to heal from it.

Below, I’ll share my personal story of healing in hopes of helping you find your way through this challenging journey.

How Do You Deal With Family Scapegoat Estrangement Grief?

Dealing with the grief that comes with family scapegoat estrangement can be a complex and emotionally taxing journey.

It’s the kind of pain that lingers, affecting not only your self-worth but also your connections with loved ones.

Here’s how I navigated these murky waters and the valuable lessons I’ve learned along the way:

1. Recognize and Accept Your Emotions

Being the scapegoat child in a family dominated by a narcissistic mother, I can relate to this on a personal level.

Growing up, my mother’s relentless criticism created a toxic environment where I felt like I could never meet her impossible standards.

It took me a long time to realize that my feelings of inadequacy, anger, and sorrow were entirely valid.

In dysfunctional families like mine, emotions are often dismissed or even exploited.

Embracing the will to acknowledge and accept these emotions is the foundation for beginning the healing journey.

2. Talk to Friends, Join Support Groups, or Consider Therapy

When you’ve been the black sheep within the family unit like I was, finding a support system becomes all the more important.

Fortunately, I realized that talking to friends, joining support groups, or considering therapy was a lifeline.

Sharing my experiences with understanding friends and joining a support group helped me learn more about family scapegoating and healing from the complex trauma it causes. 

Seeking guidance from a licensed therapist also provided me with a safe space to navigate my emotions.

Don’t hesitate to reach out. Building a support system can make a world of difference on your healing journey.

3. Protect Your Emotional Space From Toxic Family Members

Protecting your emotional space is important when dealing with an emotionally abusive parent. I know from personal experience that setting healthy boundaries is a game-changer.

As an adult child of a narcissistic mother, I had to learn that it’s okay to establish limits to shield myself from the toxicity.

It’s not about cutting ties, but about safeguarding your well-being. I had to communicate my boundaries clearly and consistently, even if it caused discomfort.

This step was key in preserving my mental health and finding peace in a challenging family dynamic.

4. Spend Time Reflecting on Your Family Dynamics That Led to You Being Scapegoated

Spending time reflecting on the family dynamics that pushed me into the scapegoat role was eye-opening.

It helped me understand how intergenerational trauma played a part, and how my narcissistic mother’s behavior wasn’t solely about me. It was about her unresolved issues, too.

Recognizing these patterns allowed me to separate her actions from my self-worth. It’s a tough journey, but it needed to happen.

5. Engage in Activities That Nurture Your Physical, Mental, and Emotional Health

Being blamed for things that aren’t your fault can be painful and damaging. It can lead to low self-esteem and affect how you handle your future relationships.

Doing things that nurture my physical, mental, and emotional health became my lifeline.

But through sports, meditation, and regular exercise, I rediscovered my self-worth and emotional balance.

Make it a daily routine, and you’ll find the strength to reclaim your sense of self.

6. Rewrite the Story of Your Identity Without the Scapegoat Label

Instead of just letting go of the scapegoat label, take the next step and rewrite your story. It’s a powerful step in healing from the guilt and shame that often come with that role.

When you’ve felt like an outcast your whole life, you start doubting your strengths and start believing their lies. I know I did.

But I realized that self-doubt only held me back.

When I focused on my personal growth, I was able to reconnect with my authentic self and gain confidence in my abilities.

7. Allow Yourself to Grieve the Loss of the Family Relationship

I’ve experienced the pain of losing that sense of belonging, but you have to acknowledge the reality that the relationship is toxic and can’t be changed.

Give yourself permission to feel the sadness, anger, and even relief that comes with letting go.

Grieving is a natural part of healing and ultimately paves the way for healthier, more fulfilling connections in the future.

8. Talk to a Therapist or Someone Who Went Through Similar Situation

I know all to well the isolation and despair of being the targeted family member.

But connecting with others who understand your pain not only provides validation but also valuable insights into surviving scapegoating abuse.

Whether it’s with a trusted therapist or someone who’s been through a similar situation, this safe space allows you to share, learn, and heal.

With these conversations, you’d be able to untangle the complex emotions and experiences you’ve endured, which ultimately helps your recovery.

9. Focus on Who You Are and What Future You Want for Yourself

Reorienting your mindset towards your authentic identity and the life you wish to create is a key element in healing from a narcissistic family.

In my own journey, breaking free from my family’s toxic dynamics meant I could finally concentrate on my own needs and aspirations.

Take time to explore your passions and goals, and envision the life you want.

This forward-looking perspective will help you make choices that align with your values and help you build a fulfilling future on your terms.

Family Estrangement Is Hard but It Was the Best Thing for Me

Family estrangement was a difficult path I had to tread, but in hindsight, it turned out to be the best thing for me.

At first, it was painful, and I felt the weight of that loss. Yet, with the support of friends and loved ones, I discovered a profound sense of peace.

I realized just how toxic the environment I left behind had been, and in a strange way, my family did me a favor by cutting me off from their circle.

I found solace and a newfound appreciation for my dad’s side of the family, while my mom’s side remains a chapter I’ll never revisit.

Through this estrangement, I rebuilt my self-esteem and learned the value of a loving support network outside my biological family.

It is a journey of healing, personal growth, and understanding, and it’s made me appreciate the healthier, happier life I now lead.

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