Growing up in a family with a narcissist feels like you’re always in the middle of a high-stakes chess game.
It’s exhausting, confusing, and downright infuriating, especially when that narcissist is your own mother, someone who should be your biggest supporter but instead tears you down.
My experience growing up was marked by a mother who seemed to view me as more of a disappointment than a daughter. My siblings, the golden children, basked in her approval while I was just a nobody to her.
Over the years, I’ve learned that when you’re up against a manipulative narcissist in the family, you’ve got two choices: get played or start playing to win.
Here’s how you can stay ahead and take control, based on strategies that have helped me not just survive but thrive.
Table of Contents
1. Seeing Their Moves Before They Make Them
When you’re dealing with a narcissist, like my mother who seemed to thrive on controlling every aspect of family life, you need to think like a chess player. The key is to anticipate their moves before they make them.
Narcissists are creatures of habit; they have a bag of tricks they dip into over and over again. Whether it’s flattery before a big request or guilt-tripping you into doing something, their tactics are predictable once you know what to look for.
How to Stay Ahead
- Identify Their Patterns: Look back at past interactions. What did they do right before asking for something? How did they react when you said no? Use this knowledge to predict their next move.
- Prepare Your Response: For instance, if your narcissistic sister always lays on the charm before badmouthing someone to you, be ready. Politely cut the conversation short or change the subject to avoid getting roped into her negativity.
- Be Unpredictable: Throw them off their game. If they’re expecting you to react a certain way, do the opposite. It’s like playing mental judo—use their momentum against them.
Growing up, I realized that my mother’s praise often came with strings attached. She would compliment me, but I knew it was only to soften me up before a request or to criticize something I hadn’t done.
Once I recognized this pattern, I learned to brace myself, setting boundaries before she could even begin her usual routine.
2. Saying “Yes” Selectively To Avoid Confrontation
Arguing with a narcissist is like trying to win a staring contest with a cat, they just don’t blink. Instead of getting sucked into endless arguments, try agreeing with them strategically. This doesn’t mean you’re giving in; you’re just playing the game smarter.
My toxic older sister, for example, loved to point out when I was wrong, how ugly I was, blah, blah, blah.
But when I started agreeing with her on inconsequential points, it threw her off. She was so focused on winning that she didn’t notice I was steering the conversation to a place where I had the upper hand.
How to Use Selective Agreement
- Agree on Minor Points: If they say something valid, acknowledge it. This diffuses tension and keeps the conversation moving without giving them the upper hand.
- Pivot the Conversation: Use their point as a springboard to introduce your own ideas. For example, “You’re right about needing to discuss this further. Let’s talk about how we can do that in a way that works for both of us.”
- Avoid Direct Confrontation: Narcissists feed on conflict. By agreeing strategically, you can avoid unnecessary drama while still holding your ground.
In my family, this tactic worked wonders. When my mother would make a big deal out of something trivial, instead of arguing, I’d agree with her, then subtly shift the focus to something more important to me.
It was like sidestepping a landmine while still getting where I needed to go.
3. Information Is Power: Keep Your Cards Close
One of the biggest lessons I learned growing up was that the less my family knew about my plans, the better.
Narcissists love to gather information and twist it to suit their narrative, which is why it’s important to control the flow of information. It’s like poker, you don’t show your hand until you’re ready to win the pot.
How to Control Information
- Be Vague: Share only what’s necessary. When they ask probing questions, keep your answers short and sweet.
- Deflect: If they push for more details, change the subject or turn the question back on them. “Why do you ask?” is a great way to make them reconsider their line of questioning.
- Protect Your Plans: If you’re working on something important—whether it’s a project, a new relationship, or even a vacation—keep it to yourself until it’s too late for them to interfere.
One example of this was when I was planning to move to a new city, I didn’t tell my family until everything was set in stone. By the time they found out, it was too late for my sister to spread lies or my mother to guilt-trip me into staying.
It was a move that felt empowering and kept their influence at bay.
4. Establishing Non-Negotiable Boundaries
If there’s one thing narcissists hate, it’s boundaries. Oh! Both my toxic mother and siblings hate them so much!
They see them as challenges to overcome rather than rules to respect. However, setting clear boundaries is necessary if you want to protect your mental health and well-being.
Growing up, my mother never respected my boundaries, everything was fair game to her. It wasn’t until I started showing my limits that I began to feel some control in my life.
How to Set Effective Boundaries
- Be Clear and Direct: Don’t leave room for interpretation. If you don’t want to discuss a certain topic, say so explicitly: “I’m not comfortable talking about this, and I’d appreciate it if we could drop the subject.”
- Enforce Consequences: Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. If they cross the line, follow through with the consequences—whether it’s leaving the conversation or cutting off contact for a while.
- Stick to Your Guns: Narcissists will test your boundaries to see if they can wear you down. Don’t give in. Consistency is key.
For instance, when my older sister started spreading rumors about me, I confronted her once, clearly stating that if she continued, I would also tell my side of the story. She didn’t stop, so I followed through. It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary to protect my peace.
5. Turning Their Tactics Against Them
Reverse psychology is a tool that works wonders on narcissists, who are often too wrapped up in their own egos to realize they’re being manipulated.
My older sister, for example, would often brag about her accomplishments to belittle mine. Instead of confronting her directly, I started expressing doubts about my own ideas or plans.
Suddenly, she was the one advocating for them, just to prove she was smarter or more supportive. It’s like leading a horse to water by convincing it that drinking was its idea all along.
How to Use Reverse Psychology
- Plant the Seed of Doubt: Express mild hesitation about something you actually want them to agree with. Their desire to prove you wrong will do the rest.
- Frame It as Their Idea: Narcissists love taking credit. Make them think that your idea was theirs all along, and watch them champion it with enthusiasm.
- Stay Subtle: The key to reverse psychology is subtlety. If they catch on to what you’re doing, it won’t work.
For example, when I wanted to suggest a new way of handling family gatherings (which would reduce my mother’s control), I pretended to be unsure about it. My sister, eager to one-up me, jumped in to support the idea.
Suddenly, it became her idea, and I got exactly what I wanted without lifting a finger.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What is the best way to deal with a narcissistic family member?
Anticipate their manipulative tactics and set firm boundaries to protect yourself.
How can I outsmart a narcissist in my family?
Use strategies like selective agreement and reverse psychology to influence their behavior.
Is it possible to manipulate a narcissist effectively?
Yes, by understanding their patterns and using their own tactics against them, you can manipulate them.
What should I avoid sharing with a narcissistic family member?
Share only necessary information to prevent them from using it against you.
How do I establish boundaries with a narcissist?
Clearly and consistently communicate your limits, and enforce consequences when they cross the line.
