I remember my first big breakup. It was one of the most painful experiences of my early adult life. It was as if the wind had been taken out of my sails. I felt like a small part of myself had been lost. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t really know who I was afterward.
I thought I’d gotten over the worst of dating issues and that I’d never need to go through that again. Although I wish I could say that relationships got easier over my adult years, they got deeper and more complicated, as did the breakups.
But these relationships helped me to learn a lot about how the world worked. Not just the external world, but my inner world as well.
Self-love became the pillar that I built my life on, which became an essential tool for gracefully leaving romantic relationships.
Below I share my tips on how to self-love after a breakup and how you can use them to heal your broken heart and start anew.
I promise it will be worth it and you can do it.
- Self-love after a breakup is quintessential for your personal growth and healing, especially if the relationship is a toxic one. It helps you redefine your self-worth outside the relationship.
- Mindfulness practices and a personalized self-care routine will help you manage negative emotions and encourage you to love yourself during challenging times.
- Acknowledging your feelings after a breakup is mandatory; validation and acceptance of your emotions are key components of your self-love journey.
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How to Love Yourself After a Breakup?
It can be a real challenge to figure out how to love yourself again after a breakup, especially if you associate your self-worth with your partner or the relationship.
But with the right ideas and attitude, you can recover and grow into a more confident version of yourself.
This can help reignite self-love in a relationship with yourself and positive feelings towards oneself, which may have waned due to the relationship and its end.
Here are a few of my insightful and helpful tips you can try to start embracing self-love after a breakup.
1. Accepting Pain and Anger
It’s completely normal to feel pain and anger after a breakup. Instead of suppressing these emotions, allow yourself to feel them and honor what you’re going through.
When I went through mine, I initially tried to avoid feeling hurt. But when I finally acknowledged and accepted my pain and anger, I started to heal.
I want to remind you that it’s important to give yourself the space to experience negative emotions so you can eventually let them go.
2. Remember That You’re Not the Reason for the Breakup
After a breakup, it’s easy to blame yourself for everything that went wrong, I did that.
However, relationships are complex, and it takes two people to make it work or break it apart.
In my own experience, I initially took all the blame for my breakup, but after some reflection, thankfully, I realized that there were other factors involved.
Accepting that you’re not the only reason for the breakup can lessen self-criticism and help you heal faster.
3. Know Grieving Is Okay
It’s normal to feel down and mourn the loss of your relationship. After all, this person was someone you cared about and someone who you thought cared about you as well. Give yourself enough time to grieve and process your emotions.
Know that it’s also okay to feel sad one minute and possibly angry or let down the next. That said, you also need to set a definite timeline in which you process everything you’re feeling and then move on.
Although it may be easier said than done, you also need to learn to let go. Letting go of past relationships, particularly ones that were toxic and caused trauma bonding, are the first step to moving on with your life.
4. Overcoming Frustration
Frustration is another common emotion after a breakup. You may feel like you’ve lost control or that your efforts were not good enough to save the relationship.
One way to conquer frustration is to focus on what you can control, like your response to the situation.
In my case, I chose to channel my frustration into positive actions like exercising, engaging in hobbies, and practicing mindfulness. This helped me regain a sense of control and gain a greater perspective on the overall situation.
5. Crying as Part of Healing
Crying is an essential part of the healing process, at least for me because it allows me to pour out all my pain through my tears. It’s a healthy way to release pent-up emotions and let go of the pain.
I used to be ashamed of crying, especially in front of others. But I learned that crying is a natural response to emotional pain, and it actually helps in the journey of self-love after a breakup.
So, don’t hesitate to let your tears flow when you need to.
6. Forgiving Yourself and Especially Your Ex
As you establish boundaries, it’s essential to practice forgiveness. Yes! Forgiveness is for you not for the other person, remember that.
The moment you recognize that everyone makes mistakes in relationships, including you and your former partner, it will help accept the past without judgment and let go of any resentment or anger to pave the way for healing.
7. Understand That Self-Love May Take Time
No matter how long your relationship was, it’s normal for you to need time to heal after a breakup. It may take longer than you’ve bargained for and may even come with some setbacks and relapse, but your healing is still in progress.
Here are a few things that may come up after a breakup that make it challenging to move toward self-love:
- Guilt: No one is perfect in any relationship, and breakups can really highlight any mistakes you’ve made.
- Self-Doubt: Especially if your ex wasn’t particularly supportive of you or your values, you may feel undermined and insecure about who you are.
- Loneliness: It’s hard to fall in love with yourself when you feel all alone.
- Lack of Self-Worth: Rejection may make you feel like you’re not worthy of love, which translates into a lack of self-love.
- An Inability to trust: If you were cheated on, lied to, or betrayed, it may be difficult to trust yourself or others again.
While these are legitimate challenges on the path to self-love, they are normal. Instead of giving up because of them, you can take a step back and be patient with your self-care timeline.
8. Focus on Managing Your Negative Thoughts and Feelings
After acknowledging the pain of a breakup, it’s important to manage these feelings with tools and techniques that bring you to a self-loving state.
One of the best ways to manage negative thoughts is by practicing mindfulness. When practicing mindfulness, you’ll put your body in a calm state and focus on all of the feelings that are coming up, without judging them.
Mindfulness helps to reduce stress and anxiety, which frees up energy for self-love practices. It also creates mental clarity.
We are often so caught up in the roller coaster of the breakup that it’s hard to see how we’re feeling and why. Mindfulness allows us to step back and assess where we are at and what we need to be able to serve ourselves.
Whether you have 5 minutes or an hour, below are some of the practical tips I’d like you can try for your mindfulness routine:
- Focus on your breath: Close your eyes and take long, deep, and slow breaths. The slower you go, the more your body will release tension and drop into the present moment.
- Try out a mindful movement practice: This may look like yoga, tai chi, or qigong. These practices teach us how to be present with our body and align our breath to our movements.
- Practice deep listening: You may be listening to another person, but you can also listen to your body and its sensations. You can even practice mindful listening with your home, the wind, or any environment around you.
- Unplug from technology: Disconnect from technology and the news and just be with yourself. Turn off the phone, turn off the computer, and tune in to yourself.
Mindfulness brings us back to ourselves, which is the place where self-love is cultivated and nurtured.
9. Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings
I’m not going to feed you some platitude about how it’s going to be okay, because the truth is that they’re messy, painful, and sometimes downright depressing.
But acknowledging and validating that it sucks to go through a breakup can be an important step in your healing process.
Just like any other trauma in our lives, we go through the stages of grief when someone we love has left our life.
It doesn’t matter if you wanted to get out of the relationship or felt betrayed or abandoned by your significant other: it’s still going to hurt.
If your friends and family are telling you to look on the bright side of life and you’re looking for ways to honor your feelings.
Here are some of the tips I suggest you could start with:
- Do a body scan to find areas of tightness, pain, or numbness.
- Journal about your thoughts and feelings – don’t hold back and say everything that you don’t feel you can express out loud.
- Connect with a therapist, counselor, or other health professional and vent in a safe monitored space.
- Engage in a physical practice that helps your emotions to move outside of an intellectual process.
You may ask, “How can stewing in the bad bits of my breakup be connected to self-love”? Validating yourself, allowing space for your feelings, and being compassionate about what comes up are some of the important pillars of self-love.
10. Spend Time With Positive People
There’s something to be said about the power of positivity. It’s a feeling that some describe as a ray of invisible sunshine. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself; ones that are genuinely positive and want you to feel better.
Keep in mind that these people don’t necessarily need to be close family and friends, even though that’s probably the best way to go.
You can join a women’s-only exercise class, or online group, or even engage with co-workers who you really get along with.
Most importantly, avoid toxic people when you can. Toxic relationships, including friendships, can bring you down and make you feel emotionally drained.
Don’t worry too much if you just got out of one, there are a number of ways to self-love even after toxic relationships.
11. View Breakup as a Really Boring and Dunting Task
We often feel like our breakup is unique and worse than anyone else’s, I’m guilty of that.
However, breakups are a part of life, and many people have gone through similar experiences, so you’re not alone or the first to go through this.
Reframing your perception to see your breakup as an ordinary part of life can help you realize that it doesn’t define your worth.
In my case, recognizing breakups is so common which made it easier for me to let go and move on.
12. Get Rid of Your Ex’s Stuff
Removing your ex’s belongings from your personal space is another essential boundary to set.
Holding onto these items can keep you tied to the past. Create a clean slate by decluttering and donating or recycling their things, if possible.
When I got rid of my ex’s stuff, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Clearing the physical clutter helped me clear the emotional clutter as well.
Your space should be all about you and your healing.
13. Give Yourself a High-Five for All the Little Things You’ve Done Well
After a breakup, it’s very important to acknowledge even the smallest acts of self-care and progress.
Can I have a high-five? Yes?
Being kind to yourself and giving yourself credit for taking steps towards healing can help boost your self-esteem and motivation.
During my healing process, I learned to celebrate the little things, like going for a walk, reaching out to a friend, or simply getting through a tough day.
Every small step contributes to the bigger picture of self-love and recovery.
14. Remind Yourself Why the Relationship Ended
Finally, as you establish boundaries and practice self-love, don’t forget the reasons why the relationship ended.
Acknowledging the incompatibilities and issues that led to the breakup can help you learn and grow from the experience.
I found that keeping a journal and reflecting on what I learned from my past relationship helped me avoid repeating the same patterns in the future.
By remembering both the good and the bad, you can make better choices for yourself and your future relationships.
Establishing boundaries after a breakup isn’t easy, but it’s necessary for your healing and growth.
By embracing these practices, you are taking steps towards self-love, forgiveness, and a brighter future.
15. Practice Forgiveness
Being broken up brings about a myriad of emotions. As mentioned above, you may feel down and depressed one day and angry and resentful the next.
There are actually several different stages of grief that someone goes through after a breakup. Some people experience them all at once while others experience them at different times while trying to let go. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually acceptance.
Immediately after being left, you’re desperate for answers and want to know why they no longer want to be with you. Was it something you did or said? Is it because they no longer find you attractive?
Grief is an all-consuming emotion, so it’s important to not let it take over. As you move through the stages of grief, your focus needs to be on letting go.
Even if you had the answer to why they left, would it change how you feel? Probably not.
That’s why letting go is so important. Once you let go, you no longer are tied to negative emotions or the overwhelming feeling of helplessness or grief.
You again start to see yourself as the person you truly are; someone who deserves to love and be loved back.
If you find yourself struggling to let go, don’t be afraid to seek professional help.
16. Learn to Let Go of Things That Don’t Serve You Anymore
One of the first steps in practicing self-love after a breakup is learning to let go. It may not be easy, but it’s quintessential in order to move forward and focus on your personal growth.
I recall a time I was in the same boat, heartbroken, and fearful of the future. But, as time passed, I learned to embrace the change and cherish the lessons learned.
It’s important to remind yourself that you deserve an opportunity for a fresh start and accept that you’ll need time to heal.
17. Rediscover Who You Are
When you’re in a relationship, it’s not uncommon to stop doing things you used to do when you were single. After all, you and your ex probably wanted to do things you both enjoyed.
Now that you’re single again, you need to reconnect with yourself and explore passions you might have forgotten about.
You should try new things and explore new hobbies you’ve never done before. Use this time to rediscover who you are and who you want to be. Above all else, you need to celebrate everything that makes you unique.
18. Pursue Hobbies and What Interests You
This is one of my favorites on the list!
By reconnecting with yourself and pursuing your hobbies and interests will keep you moving toward the life that you want.
Remember those books you wanted to read but never found the time? Now is the perfect moment to indulge your love of reading.
This will not only help you find solace but also boost your confidence and remind you of your identity outside the relationship.
A few years back, I started baking, something that had always given me immense joy but was lost in the hustle of life. The satisfaction of asking for something sweet and savory in my kitchen helped me feel alive and discover my inner strength again.
19. Implementing the No-Contact Rule
Establishing boundaries is an essential first step toward self-love after a breakup.
One important boundary is the no-contact rule, what I mean by this is you must cut off all communication with your ex. I know it’s hard but this will give you the space to heal and grow without reminders of your past relationship.
I remember when I used this rule after my own rough breakup; it was incredibly tough at first, but it gave me time to focus on myself and my emotional well-being. I know it’s challenging, but trust me, it’s worth it.
20. Set New Boundaries
Learning how to love yourself after a breakup also means learning how to set new boundaries. Every relationship is different, so you need to lay the foundation before you start dating again.
This also means setting new boundaries with your ex, if you have to be in contact with them. Think about the behaviors you’re not willing to tolerate any longer. Doing so will help you avoid getting stuck in negative thought patterns that only bring you down.
21. Develop a Customized Self-Care Plan
Self-love is best expressed through intentional actions, so it’s more important than ever to practice self-care after a breakup.
“Self-care” is a big buzzword that doesn’t have a lot of meaning if you don’t apply it to your own specific needs.
I recommend you try the below exercises to cultivate your own version of this practice:
- Brainstorm a list of activities that make you feel relaxed, happy, or fulfilled. If it puts a smile on your face, it probably belongs on the list.
- Dabble in a few different activities to see which ones are the most enjoyable. Don’t force yourself to adhere to anything at this time if it doesn’t feel right. You’re just dipping your toes in to see what feels good.
- Now, pick and schedule the top 1-3 self-care activities that you’ve tested. This could look like a daily practice (such as 5 minutes on a lunch break) or something more involved you do to unwind during the weekend. Just make sure that you don’t take on too much and find a balance.
- Track your emotions and progress. It’s the only way we can know how to adjust or improve our self-care routines.
After only one self-care activity, you’re sure to feel at least slightly better about yourself. So imagine what weeks or months of a self-care routine can do for your self-love!
22. Have a Positive Conversation With Yourself! Get Excited
During this time, it’s more important than ever to be conscious of your self-talk. Use your words wisely with yourself.
Negative thoughts can lead to self-doubt, affecting your confidence and self-esteem. Practice self-compassion by changing your negative self-talk into a more realistic variant.
Instead of telling yourself that you’re a failure, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and you’re capable of learning from them.
When I struggled with negative thoughts, I consciously chose to replace them with constructive, compassionate ones, which has made a significant difference in my outlook.
Embrace these steps to focus on personal growth, and remember that you are deserving of love and happiness.
Learning to let go, pursuing hobbies and interests, building a self-care routine, setting goals for your future, and changing negative self-talk are keys to rediscovering your self-worth and practicing self-love after a breakup.
23. Enjoy The Benefits of Self-Love
One of the best things about practicing self-love is that its benefits keep coming long after you’ve moved on from your breakup. Not only will you be able to heal your broken heart, but you’ll also be investing in a life-long relationship with yourself.
Ultimately, focusing on personal growth after a breakup can help you to find better partners in life. Not just romantically, but in your personal and professional life as well.
Over time, you’ll start to feel like you don’t need a romantic partner to complete you – because you already have that in yourself. Moving forward, you’ll be sharing the love you have with others, not relying on them to provide it for you.
24. Strengthening Bonds With Friends and Family
After a breakup, it’s essential to lean on your friends and family for support. They understand you best and can provide validation, helping you cope with stress and loneliness.
I remember when I went through a tough breakup, my best friend was my rock. She reminded me of my worth and helped me rebuild my self-esteem.
25. Hang Out With Like-Minded People
Finally, seek out like-minded people who share your values, passions, and interests. They will inspire you, motivate you, and help you grow as an individual.
You can find them through your hobbies, online platforms, or community events.
When I felt lost after my breakup, I joined a local volunteering group, which helped me find purpose and a sense of belonging.
Connecting with others who share your passions will empower you on your journey toward self-love and healing.
26. Minimize Your Bad Habits
The first step in practicing self-love after a breakup is to minimize your bad habits. Yes, don’t reach for those drinks! It won’t help you to move forward positively.
It’s normal to feel sad and indulge in comfort food or escape into binge-watching TV shows, but it’s crucial to keep these behaviors from turning into habits.
When I went through a tough breakup, replacing junk food with healthier options and setting limits on screen time helped me shift my focus to healing.
27. Physical Exercise for Mental Health
Regular physical exercise is important for maintaining your mental health during a breakup.
In my experience, sticking to a workout routine gave me an energy boost and a sense of accomplishment. Whether you prefer running, yoga, dancing, or any other form of exercise, commit to a regular schedule.
You’ll be amazed by how your mood improves as your body releases endorphins, such as these:
- Running – Clears your mind and improves cardiovascular health.
- Yoga – Enhances flexibility and mental focus.
- Dancing – A fun way to express emotions and stay active.
28. Creative Outlets and Art Therapy
Expressing your emotions through art can be effective in your healing process. Creativity can be therapeutic, and engaging in artistic activities allows you to channel your emotions constructively.
Me, I experienced relief from negative emotions when I started to write poetry and paint in my spare time.
Here are some creative activities you can try:
- Writing – Journaling, poetry, or writing a letter to yourself.
- Visual arts – Painting, drawing, or collage-making.
- Music – Playing an instrument, singing, or composing music.
By engaging in these healing activities, you can shift your focus away from the pain of your breakup and towards personal growth and self-love.
Remember, it’s essential to minimize your bad habits, commit to physical exercise, practice mindfulness techniques, and find creative outlets for your emotions.
By incorporating these practices into your life, you’ll be on your way to a happier, healthier version of yourself.
29. Think About Your Future
Finally, you need to focus on your future and all of the wonderful opportunities you have ahead of you. Use this time to create the life you deserve, with or without a partner.
Take as much time as you need to learn more about yourself and what you want the next time around. You’ll feel stronger and know that losing a relationship doesn’t mean you’re not worthy.
30. Seeking Help From Therapy if You Need To
Therapy can be a fantastic resource to help you establish boundaries and work through your emotions after a breakup. A therapist can offer guidance, an unbiased perspective, and support during this challenging time.
I remember being hesitant about going to therapy, but it turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It truly helped me understand my emotions and develop coping strategies for moving forward.
31. Be Your Own Best Friend
Breakups can be tough, and it’s important to practice self-love during this time.
Learning to treat yourself like your own best friend can help you navigate the healing process and emerge even stronger.
Let’s explore these four practical and actionable steps to embrace your self-love and be your own best friend.
Step 1: Listen and recognize your inner critic
The first step in being your own best friend is to become aware of your inner critic.
This voice might tell you that you’re not good enough, that you failed in the relationship, or that you’re unlovable.
Keep in mind that I too struggled with my inner critic after my breakup. Acknowledging this voice is the first step towards silencing it and replacing it with self-compassion.
Some ways to notice your inner critic:
- Catch negative thoughts when they arise.
- Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings.
- Create mental space every day through practices like meditation or mindfulness.
Step 2: Turn down the voice
Once you’ve identified your inner critic, start to soften its voice. This means lessening its impact on your feelings and self-worth.
It’s essential to remember that we all make mistakes, and every relationship has its ups and downs.
When my inner critic was harsh, I reminded myself how proud I was of everything I accomplished, and that helped me soften my inner critic.
Here’s how you can start softening your inner critic:
- Use positive affirmations to remind yourself of your worth and strengths.
- Surround yourself with supportive friends who lift you up and validate your feelings.
- Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, just as you would with a best friend.
Step 3: Reframe the voice
Changing the way you interpret your inner critic’s observations can significantly impact your self-love journey.
Instead of seeing the end of a relationship as a failure, reframe it as an opportunity to learn and grow.
For example, when I faced the end of a relationship, I learned more about my boundaries, communication, and what I truly wanted in a partner.
Try these reframing techniques:
- Practice gratitude by identifying the positive aspects of your life and the relationship.
- Embrace growth and focus on the lessons you learned from the experience.
- Set new goals and use this time as an opportunity to discover new passions, interests, and activities.
Step 4: Have some me time
Last but not least, make time for yourself. Take a break from social media, treat yourself to a spa day, or indulge in your favorite hobby.
After my breakup, I started baking, it was a wonderful way to reconnect with my passions and interests.
Here are some suggestions for self-care activities:
- Exercise to release endorphins and boost your mood.
- Get creative with activities like painting, writing, or cooking.
- Cultivate mindfulness through meditation or mindful breathing exercises.
By following these four steps, you’ll be on your way to treating yourself like your own best friend and embracing self-love after a breakup. Remember to be gentle with yourself and take things one day at a time.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Why is it important to love yourself after a breakup?
It’s important because self-love helps you heal, rebuild your confidence, and prepare you for future relationships by ensuring that you don’t lose your identity and self-worth in the process.
How can I prevent a breakup from affecting my self-esteem?
By realizing that a breakup doesn’t define your worth. It’s a part of life that doesn’t reflect who you are. Self-care, positive self-talk, and focusing on your strengths can prevent a breakup from damaging your self-esteem.
Is it normal to struggle with self-love after a breakup?
Yes, it’s normal. A breakup can lead to self-doubt and lower self-esteem. However, with time, self-care, and positive actions, you can rebuild your self-love.
How long does it typically take to start loving yourself again after a breakup?
Everyone heals at their own pace. It’s not about the time it takes, but about allowing yourself to feel, process your emotions, and gradually working towards rebuilding your self-esteem and self-love.
