13 Must-Have Conversations Before You Say “I Do”

Marriage is like the longest group project you’ll ever sign up for—except, this time, you can’t just ghost your partner or show up with a half-baked PowerPoint. You’re in it for the long haul.

And while love might feel like enough in the honeymoon phase, you’ll soon realize it’s going to take a lot more than that to stay connected and happy.

Think of these 13 conversations as the user manual for not crashing the ship. Trust me, they’re not that scary. In fact, once you get through them, you’ll feel closer (or at least prepared for the real stuff).

1. How Do We Handle Stress and Conflict?

Let’s be real: life’s going to throw curveballs, and how you deal with stress as a couple is everything. I used to shut down when things got tough (classic avoider), while my partner’s method was to address everything head-on (often when I wasn’t ready).

Understanding how your partner handles conflict and stress will help you figure out how to navigate those stormy times without wanting to throw a pillow at their head.

2. Do We Want Children (and When)?

This one gets real, real fast. Not only do you need to decide if you want kids, but you also need to talk about timelines, potential roadblocks, and how you’ll raise those tiny humans. The earlier you hash this out, the better.

You don’t want to be caught off guard when your partner says, “How do you feel about having twins?”

3. What Are Our Fears or Areas to Improve?

Everyone’s got fears in a relationship, whether it’s about intimacy, trust, or feeling vulnerable. One of my biggest fears was losing my sense of independence after getting married. My partner’s fear? That we’d get too comfortable and stop putting in effort.

Being open about these insecurities helped us figure out how to support each other. Don’t sweep these under the rug—they’ll come back bigger and messier if you do.

4. How Well Do We Compromise?

Compromise isn’t a bad word. In fact, it’s the glue that holds relationships together.

My partner loves having people over every weekend, while I treasure my alone time like it’s gold. Instead of trying to change each other, we figured out a compromise: alternating weekends between social gatherings and Netflix-in-our-pajamas time.

This conversation isn’t just about who picks the movie—it’s about the bigger life stuff too, like holidays, family time, and personal space.

5. What Are Our Financial Goals?

Nobody likes talking about money—until you’re staring at your joint credit card statement wondering who spent $150 at Home Depot (guilty as charged).

Finances are one of the biggest sources of conflict in marriages, so it’s crucial to get clear on how you’ll manage your money together. Are you combining accounts? Keeping them separate? And yes, it’s okay to talk prenups—get rid of the stigma, people!

6. Do We Have Similar Values?

Values are your relationship’s North Star. Do you both believe in the same things when it comes to family, work, and how you treat others? Find common ground in how you value these things, and that’s what really matters.

Similar values don’t mean you’re the same person, but it does mean your compass points in the same direction.

7. What Are Our Individual and Combined Goals?

Ah, the future. That thing you vaguely plan for but don’t really think about until you’re forced to. This conversation is a must. Sit down, lay out what you both wanted individually and find a way to combine your plans.

8. Where Do We Want to Live Long-Term?

I’m a city girl, born and raised. The idea of moving to a sleepy suburb with strip malls and cul-de-sacs makes my skin crawl. Meanwhile, my partner is basically a suburban dad in training who dreams of backyard barbecues and mowing the lawn (seriously).

So, yeah, this was a conversation we had early. Figure out where you want to build your life. Do you see yourself in a bustling city, or do you want that white picket fence life? Pro tip: compromise might mean moving to the outskirts of the city and getting both.

9. How Healthy is Our Communication?

Talking is easy. Communicating is hard. There’s a difference, trust me. My partner and I thought we were great communicators until we had our first big argument, and I realized neither of us was actually listening—we were just waiting for our turn to talk.

If you can’t have productive conversations without shouting or sulking, that’s a red flag. Build those communication muscles now, so when the hard stuff hits, you’re ready.

10. Whose Relationships Do We Admire?

Remember that one couple in college who never fought and somehow both loved running marathons together? Yeah, no one admired them either. The point is, pick people you both look up to but in a realistic way.

Growing up, I always thought my grandparents were relationship goals because they could bicker over who watered the plants wrong but still held hands like teenagers.

So, who do you both admire? It’s not about copying anyone—it’s about defining what a good partnership looks like for you both.

11. What Are Our Sexual Needs and Desires?

Let’s not tiptoe around this one: sex is important. It’s not just about frequency, but about making sure both of you feel satisfied and understood. Don’t wait until you’re frustrated to bring it up—make this a regular conversation, so neither of you feels like you’re stuck guessing.

12. Should We Consider Couples Therapy?

Therapy isn’t just for couples on the brink of disaster. It’s like going to the gym for your relationship.

We tried it once before we got married, and honestly, it was one of the best decisions we ever made. It gave us tools to navigate conflict and strengthened our bond. Even if everything’s great right now, don’t dismiss the idea of therapy—it can help make “great” into “amazing.”

13. What’s Our Ideal Lifestyle as a Couple?

How many times are you cool with eating out versus cooking at home? How much travel do you need in your life before you start getting antsy? Figure out your ideal lifestyle now so there aren’t any surprise arguments later about how often you’re booking plane tickets.