99 Silly Christmas Quotes To Elf Yourself Into Laughter

It’s that time of year again when the snow falls, the lights twinkle, and our bellies jiggle—not from too much eggnog, but from laughing too hard at the zaniest, wackiest Christmas quotes out there.

Who says Christmas can’t be a riot?

Whether you’re wrapping presents, baking cookies, or just chilling under your mistletoe-draped doorway, these quotes from movies, series, cartoons, and real-life folks are guaranteed to keep your spirits high and your frowns upside down.

Silly Christmas Quotes From Characters

1. “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” – Buddy, Elf
2. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” – Buddy, Elf
3. “I planned out our whole day: First, we’ll make snow angels for two hours, and then we’ll go ice skating, and then we’ll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookie-dough as fast as we can, and then to finish, we’ll snuggle.” – Buddy, Elf
4. “First, we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse cookie dough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.” – Buddy
5. “I’m a cotton-headed ninny-muggins!” – Buddy, Elf
6. “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.” – Buddy, Elf
7. “Son of a nutcracker!” – Buddy, Elf
8. “I like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite.” – Buddy, Elf
9. “He’s an angry elf.” – Buddy, Elf
10. “Santa! I know him!” – Buddy, Elf
11. “You sit on a throne of lies.” – Buddy, Elf
12. “There’s room for everyone on the Nice List!” – Buddy, Elf
13. “If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas.” – Buddy, Elf
14. “Santa’s coming! I know him! I know him!” – Buddy, Elf
15. “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” – Phineas, Phineas and Ferb
16. “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!” – Mrs. Parker, A Christmas Story
17.  The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone! All gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey hash! Turkey a la king! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone! All gone! – Ralphie, A Christmas Story
18. “Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see.” – The Conductor, The Polar Express
19. “Just remember, the true spirit of Christmas lies in your heart.” – The Conductor, The Polar Express
20. “Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” – Narrator, How the Grinch Stole Christmas
21. “The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.” – Narrator, How the Grinch Stole Christmas
22. “What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?” – Narrator, How the Grinch Stole Christmas
23. “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” – Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
24. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. –Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
25. I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery. –Ellen, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
26. “I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It’s not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.” – Linus Van Pelt, A Charlie Brown Christmas
27. “Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?” – Charlie Brown, A Charlie Brown Christmas
28. “Oh, Christmas isn’t just a day, it’s a frame of mind.” – Kris Kringle, Miracle on 34th Street
29. “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?” – Bart Simpson, The Simpsons
30. “Do you want to build a snowman?” – Anna, Frozen
31. “Why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?” – Miracle Max, The Princess Bride
32. “It’s Christmas Eve and we are going to go celebrate being young and being alive.” – Iris Simpkins, The Holiday
33. “What’s Christmas without having your best friend to share it?” – Winnie the Pooh
34. “There’s a certain magic that comes with the very first snow. For when the first snow is also a Christmas snow, well, something wonderful is bound to happen.” – Narrator, Frosty the Snowman
35. “That’s what Christmas memories are made from, they’re not planned, they’re not scheduled, nobody puts them in their Blackberry, they just happen.” – Steve Finch, Deck the Halls
36. “This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back?” – Kevin, Home Alone
37. “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” – Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
38. We get one day a year to prove we’re not screw-ups and what do we do? We screw it up.  – Myron, Jingle All the Way
39. You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy con men in red suits. – Howard Langston, Jingle All the Way
40. Howard, I’m of the mindset you can never do too much to make a child’s Christmas magical. – neighbor Ted, Jingle All the Way
41. We’re your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude. – E.L.F.S. Leader, The Santa Clause

Non-Movie Silly Christmas Quotes

42. “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” – Anonymous
43. “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller
44. “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.” – Anonymous
45. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
46. “Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Anonymous
47. “It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.” – Anonymous
48. “This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion.” – Anonymous
49. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
50. “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” – Andy Borowitz
51. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz
52. “Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?” – Anonymous
53. “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Anonymous
54. “It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.” – Anonymous
55. “Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.” – Norman Vincent Peale
56. “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan
57. “Christmas is the time when everyone wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller
58. “You’re a lot like some of my Christmas tree ornaments. Bright, colorful…and broke.” – Anonymous
59. “All I want for Christmas is you… to get out of my life.” – Anonymous
60. “I know what I’m getting for Christmas… Fat. I’m getting fat.” – Anonymous
61. “Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.” – Anonymous
62. “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” – Anonymous
63. “Christmas is mostly for children. But we adults can enjoy it too, until the credit card bills arrive.” – Anonymous
64. “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson
65. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde
66. “It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.” – Anonymous
67. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson
68. “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” – Melanie White
69. “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” – Said about Christmas jelly, Anonymous
70. “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan
71. “Christmas is the season where you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Anonymous
72. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman
73. “Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” – Arlo Guthrie
74. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Winston Spear
75. “That’s not a candy cane in my pocket. I’m just glad to see you!” – Anonymous
76. “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor
77. “Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” – Samantha Bee
78. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” – Bernard Manning
79. “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard
80. “I told Santa you were good this year and sent him a link to your Pinterest board.” – Anonymous
81. “If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.” – Anonymous
82. “A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” – Anonymous
83. “I love the excitement, the childlike spirit of innocence and just about everything that goes along with Christmas.” – Hillary Scott
84. “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” – Charles M. Schulz
85. “It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.” – Craig Ferguson
86. “If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don’t worry I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.” – Anonymous
87. “Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” – Anonymous
88. “I’m on the naughty list and I regret nothing!” – Anonymous
89. “Christmas cookies can’t help but be retro… they’re just so last century.” – Anonymous
90. “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck
91. “This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone.” – Taylor Caldwell
92. “Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle.” – Anonymous
93. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Anonymous
94. “Christmas shopping: wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month?” – Harlan Miller
95. “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Anonymous
96. “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” – Robert Paul
97. “Why is it that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for — I don’t know what exactly, but it’s something that you don’t mind so much not having at other times.” – Kate L. Bosher
98. “Be careful with drinking this holiday season. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.” – Sean Hughes
99. “Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever.” – Richelle E. Goodrich