I didn’t think he’d notice. Not really.
After everything… after the silent treatments, the twisted words, the endless second chances, I figured walking away would be the end of it. Quiet. Final. Done.
But that’s not how narcissists work.
The moment I stopped caring, the moment I really started moving on… that’s when he came back.
Suddenly, he was “thinking about me.” “Missing what we had.” And just like that, I was being pulled back into a conversation I never asked to have.
If you’ve ever dealt with someone like this, you know.
You know the moment they feel you slipping away, they snap right back in like nothing ever happened, Like they’re the one being wronged.
Let me tell you what I learned the hard way: It’s not about love. It never was.
Table of Contents
What Moving On Looks Like
It doesn’t look like fireworks. There’s no big “aha” moment. It’s quiet. It’s in the little choices.
You stop explaining yourself. You stop checking their socials. You stop wondering if they’ll ever change.
For me, it started when I realized I was spending more time hurting than healing. I didn’t want to be stuck in the same story anymore.
So I pulled back. Quietly. No warning. No closure. I just… stopped.
And that’s when he noticed.
Common Narcissistic Reactions After a Breakup
The Hoovering
First came the check-in text. “Hey. Just wanted to see how you’re doing.”
Then came the guilt trip. “I know I wasn’t perfect, but I always cared.”
And finally, the love bomb. “I’ve never felt the way I did with you. I miss us.”
Dr. Ramani says it best: “The hoover maneuver isn’t love, it’s panic.”
He didn’t miss me. He missed the attention. The control. The feeling of being needed.
I didn’t fall for it this time. I’d seen the cycle before. And I was done.
The Rage or Smear Campaign
When sweet didn’t work, the tone changed. Suddenly, I was the problem. Cold. Ungrateful. “Throwing away something real.”
He started playing the victim to mutual friends. Spinning the story. Making it sound like I just walked away for no reason.
“When a narcissist can’t control you,” they say, “they try to control how others see you.”
It used to work. Not anymore.
Triangulation
A week later, he was posting someone new. Candlelit dinners. Inside jokes. The whole act.
And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting. For a second, I wondered if she was getting the version of him I always wanted.
But I know better now. That wasn’t love, it was leverage. A calculated attempt to get under my skin.
He wasn’t moving on. He was performing.
The “Changed” Persona
Eventually, the messages started again. This time, different.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”
“I’ve started therapy.”
“I finally get it.”
And maybe he thought he meant it. But real change? It’s quiet. It’s consistent. It doesn’t beg for an audience.
I waited for actions. They never came.
Why Do Narcissists React This Way?
The thing is, narcissists don’t handle loss well, especially not the kind where they’re ignored.
It’s not heartbreak. It’s ego.
As Shahida Arabi says, “Your peace is offensive to them.” And she’s right. They don’t know what to do when you stop playing the game.
They don’t miss you. They miss the control they had over you. The chaos. The reactions. The high.
Without you feeding that, they’re just… powerless.
Why You Might Still Feel Pulled?
Even knowing all of this, I still had moments where I wondered if I’d made a mistake. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I missed him.
And I hated that I missed him.
That’s the trauma bond. It keeps you craving the same person who broke you. You’re not missing real love, you’re missing the chemical chaos your brain got addicted to.
Dr. Patrick Carnes calls it survival wiring gone wrong. And that’s exactly how it felt.
It’s not a weakness. It’s conditioning. But it can be broken.
How I Stayed Gone?
I blocked the number. Deleted the threads. Stopped checking the profile.
But more than that, I started telling myself the truth. Over and over.
He didn’t love me. He loved controlling me.
He didn’t protect me. He confused me.
He didn’t lose me. He lost access to me.
I wrote it down. Said it out loud. Read it when I wanted to go back.
And little by little, I felt like myself again.
You Don’t Owe Them a Damn Thing
You don’t owe them a reply. You don’t owe them closure. You don’t owe them access just because they realized what they lost.
They had their chance. You gave it, maybe more times than you should’ve. I know I did.
But now? Now you’re free. And that’s the kind of peace they’ll never understand.
My second narcissist, romantically (and who I had a daughter with), when I left him, we only knew I was pregnant with his first child (at 36 years old for him, 39 for me) for two months (but he refused to believe it was his child), went and got a mutual friend of ours pregnant as well obviously as revenge when my baby wasn’t his (but it was). I was heartbroken in ways. He and I had been friends for 30+ years at the time and she was only new in town for 3-4 months rotal. I was having his first child and even though things were stressful, I was excited to be having his first and what I thought was his only child. Not only that, I came back to town after moving away, to spend a night with him while pregnant, we’d spent all day together. As we were making the bed for bedtime he nonchalantly says something about her being pregnant and him trying to force her to have an abortion. I will NEVER forget the way my heart was crushed in that moment. Never.
It should be illegal to treat someone like that. 9 1/2 years later now he’s been in therapy for 3 years. We didn’t argue once while co-parenting and it was beautiful!!!
BUT, I was single for 10 years while he has a new supply every 2-3 months alongside his 100 side pieces in rotation. And I started seeing a guy … Wow!!
We had been like best friends again after so many years of crazy, psychotic behavior from him and sometimes from me trying to defend myself. But after our daughter was 3-4 years old I finally separated myself from him mentally, emotionally and life has been better. Much better. I used the gray rock technique and barely talked to him. Only talked about our child and never reacted when he talked about anything else. Over time he let off and moved on.
But yeah, recently when I started dating (after 9 1/2 years single), he’s lost his ever loving mind again. He tried to act cool about it at first but now he’s back to talking to me like Satan’s spawn. I’m worthless and should’ve had an aborton, yadda yadda.
But it’s an act. I have my daughter from today until Sunday and I text him that I might need to go the ER. He said, “not my problem, figure it out.” Even though I’m used to him after 36 years, it still hurts for like 3 seconds.
But he text me a couple hours later and said, “lmk if you need me to take her so I don’t have to turn around when I’m on my way to the concert.”
So the moral of the story is, many of them do have hearts but they were traumatized so badly that they will hurt everyone in their paths to spite the situation/s and abusers. It’s horribly sad to me. Breaks my heart in ways. But I’ve learned that I can’t worry about things that are out of my control.
We’ll be in each other’s lives forever. We already have been. He’s lacking empathy and hurts my feelings sometimes but I keep my distance and continue healing myself and always will.
Don’t hang on to their ugliness any longer than you need to to heal yourself and your heart. You CAN heal. You’ll never be the same person again but you’ll be stronger and more resolient. You’ll be filled with more wisdom in order to share your story and hopefully help other victims in the future.
Godspeed