What happens when the family’s designated “troublemaker” defies expectations and achieves success?
When the scapegoat becomes successful, it’s like a plot twist in the family drama you never saw coming.
My own journey from being the black sheep to achieving success was a rollercoaster of emotions, struggles, and unexpected triumphs.
So, if you’ve ever felt like the odd one out in your family or struggled to break free from stereotypes, my story might just resonate with you.
Below, I’ll share my personal experience of defying the odds and rising above the labels that once defined me. It’s a tale of resilience, transformation, and the incredible power of self-belief.
- Even when faced with family skepticism, never give up. Use resilience as your ally to overcome challenges and achieve your goals.
- Boost your self-confidence daily, break free from the insecurities imposed by a narcissistic parent, and live an authentic life on your terms.
- Practice self-compassion, avoid self-blame, and focus on your goals while refusing to play the victim.
Table of Contents
What Happens When the Scapegoat Becomes Successful in the Family?
When the scapegoat child becomes successful, it can trigger a complex mix of emotions and reactions from those around them. Some family members might feel proud and praise you, while others could feel jealous or even threatened.
My own journey paints a vivid picture of what happens. For one, my siblings weren’t exactly thrilled.
And my narcissist mother? Well, she was downright embarrassed. Her “golden children” didn’t turn out the way she had envisioned.
My accomplishments were met with resistance and denial from my entire family.
They couldn’t accept that I had succeeded, so they started a smear campaign against me, trying to attribute my success to external factors, like my husband.
My sister even joined in, spreading the same narrative.
It is tough when your own family refuses to acknowledge your achievements. But it’s also a testament to the challenges and growth that come with breaking free from the scapegoat role.
It’s a bittersweet journey of proving yourself and enduring the reactions of those who still cling to old perceptions.
5 Lessons I Learned as a Scapegoat That Made Me Successful
My journey from being the scapegoat child in a narcissistic family to success wasn’t smooth sailing, but it did teach me some invaluable lessons along the way.
If you’ve ever faced resistance on your path to achievement, you might just find these insights relatable and inspiring.
1. I Don’t Give Myself Ways to Quit, Never Give Up
I faced countless challenges and obstacles growing up with a narcissistic parent, but I refused to let them define me.
I remember a particularly tough period when my toxic family’s skepticism and criticism weighed heavily on me.
Their constant doubt in my abilities and the feeling of being the outcast could have easily led me to quit pursuing my dreams.
But I didn’t.
Growing up, I was determined to excel in school, despite all odds. There was a time I was studying late at night, grappling with a difficult subject, feeling exhausted and demoralized.
My mother’s voice, criticizing my efforts, echoed in my mind. I thought about giving up and proving her right. But something inside me refused to let that happen.
It was that very moment when I made a promise to myself: I would never give myself the option to quit.
As I pushed through those late-night study sessions, as well as countless other challenges that came my way, I learned that resilience and determination can be your strongest allies.
By never giving up, I defied the expectations placed upon me as the scapegoat and proved to myself that I was capable of achieving my goals, no matter how daunting they may seem.
This lesson has been a guiding force throughout my life, empowering me to overcome adversity and strive for success.
2. I Work on Improving My Confidence Daily
Growing up with a narcissistic mother, I often felt insecure and miserable because I constantly tried to conform to her unrealistic expectations.
My older sister, also influenced by this environment, followed suit, making it challenging for me to live an authentic life.
One memory stands out vividly.
I was in my early 20s, still grappling with self-doubt and struggling to break free from the damaging dysfunctional dynamics of our family.
My mother had always tried to convince me that I was never good enough, and my sister’s actions reinforced those beliefs.
I realized that if I wanted to escape the cycle of insecurity and embrace my true self, I needed to work on improving my confidence daily.
So, I went on a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. I surrounded myself with positive influences, sought therapy, and practiced self-affirmation.
With time, my self-confidence grew stronger, and I found the courage to live on my own terms.
3. I Make Sure to Take It Easy, Especially on Myself
Being raised by a narc parent, a scapegoat may develop a tendency to be overly critical of oneself. Trust me, I’ve experienced the sour taste of self-blame and emotional punishment.
It’s like nothing you do seems to be good enough, and even the smallest slip-up can become a cruel source of self-reproach.
There was an instance when I had a disagreement with my mother, and it quickly escalated into a heated conflict.
As usual, she placed the blame squarely on my shoulders, and I found myself sinking into a pool of self-doubt and self-criticism.
But it was then that I recognized the importance of self-compassion.
I thought, “If I forgive my mother’s actions and my own perceived failures, I’m doing that for myself and not her.”
Validation and understanding don’t always need to come from external sources. They can originate from within.
4. I Always Remind Myself to Focus On My Goals
When you come from a family tainted by narcissism, you have to learn the importance of focusing on your own goals as a guiding light toward a successful and happy life.
As for me, the environment I grew up in was rife with envy and judgment, where individual life choices were often viewed through a critical lens.
I recall a moment when I shared my dreams and aspirations with my family, only to be met with skepticism and discouragement.
My mother’s disapproval and my siblings’ envy seemed to overshadow my vision. But I realized that I couldn’t let their negativity deter me from pursuing my goals.
So, I made a conscious effort to remind myself to stay focused on my aspirations, no matter the distractions or criticisms that came my way.
I recognized that dwelling on the disapproval of those trapped in a cycle of narcissism would only hinder my progress.
This reinforced the significance of staying true to my dreams and not allowing external factors to sway my determination.
It is a mantra that continues to drive me towards success and happiness, irrespective of the challenges I may encounter.
5. I Don’t Allow Myself to Be a Victim, Ever
Another thing I’ve learned from my journey is to never allow myself to become a victim.
There was a time when I carried the scars of my family’s dysfunction, and it felt like I was destined to play the victim forever.
But I realized that I had the power to rewrite my own story.
I’d look around and see success stories of people who had overcome tough circumstances, and it got me thinking. I couldn’t stand the idea of staying stuck in that victim mentality.
One particular moment that solidified this lesson was when I decided to break free from the emotional abuse in my family.
I refused to let their toxic behavior define me any longer. So, I took charge of my own life and realized that I could shape my own narrative.
Changes in My Family Social Dynamics When I Became Successful
When I became the successful one in my family, it triggered a seismic shift in our social dynamics. It was as if the established family system couldn’t stand the idea of me thriving.
The prevailing sentiment was that I didn’t deserve my success, and this sentiment ignited a plan to bring me down.
In 2018, a breaking point occurred when my aunt, whom I thought cared for me, refused to repay the money she had borrowed to reboot her business.
Frustrated and hurt by this betrayal, I decided to air our family’s dirty laundry on Facebook.
The forced my aunt to return the money to save face, but it also revealed the division within our family. My own sister sided with my aunt in this conflict, further fracturing our relationships.
While my success made me happier and gave me empowerment, it simultaneously unveiled the deep-seated complexities within my family’s social dynamics.
It forever altered the way we interacted with each other.
But despite the challenges, I’ve remained focused on my own path, understanding that success, even when others cannot stand it, is worth pursuing.
Related Posts:
- 25 Characteristics of Family Scapegoat: Understanding Your Role & Path to Healing
- Scapegoat of the Family: I Didn’t Allow Myself to Be a Victim and You Shouldn’t Either
- When the Scapegoat Fights Back: I Wasn’t Born to be a Pushover!
- When The Scapegoat Leaves The Family: Breaking Free From My Toxic Family System
- How to Heal After Being the Scapegoat of the Family? My Side of the Story
Frequently Asked Questions
What happens when the scapegoat grows up?
As the scapegoat grows up, they may gain independence, healing, and perspective on their family role. They can choose to maintain or distance themselves from the family.
What happens when the scapegoat heals?
When the scapegoat heals, family dynamics can improve, conflicts may lessen, and a more positive atmosphere can emerge, leading to healthier relationships.
What happens when the scapegoat becomes a golden child?
When the scapegoat becomes the golden child, family dynamics shift, with them now favored. This change can bring relief but also jealousy or resentment from other family members.
Is the scapegoat the strongest in the family?
Strength varies among family members. The scapegoat often develops resilience but isn’t necessarily the strongest. Each member has unique strengths and weaknesses.
What are the strengths of a scapegoat in the family?
Scapegoats develop resilience, empathy, and a strong sense of self. They can also be insightful and have a unique perspective on family dynamics.
Thank you! I’m currently battling it out. The betrayal, the gaslighting etc.
You should be proud of yourself to stand up for what you deserve! Keep going!
Thank you Kolyanne, for your honesty and insight, which ring very true.
I too was scapegoated in my family: while not as relentlessly undermined psychologically as you describe, I was badly beaten once a year between the ages of 12 and 18, when family tensions became too overwhelming to be managed. A cultural imbalance of family power, in favor of the males, together with my parents’ own personality issues, were the source of these tensions; and as my father became more successful in his work, he also became more assertive and controlling, especially of my mother and me.
The resulting problems between my parents could not be acknowledged, so a scapegoat was needed: it couldn’t be the sons, with whom our father identified closely, so it fell to me. My mother, meanwhile, had an irrational fear that I would “go to bed with a boy”, get pregnant, and shame her to the whole community. (This was the 60s, and while both she and I were aware that among our family friends many of my generation were having sex and pregnancies and abortions, I didn’t even have a boyfriend until the age of 18! Many years later, shortly before she died, she confessed that she and my father had “gone to bed” before they were married, and she’d had “a pregnancy scare” – a “false alarm”, as it turned out – so they had what was commonly known as a “shotgun marriage”.)
Thus for reasons to do with her own sense of shame, my mother couldn’t tolerate my increasing maturity, and provoked my father to attack me whenever I expressed some independence, which also threatened the family order. The beatings were severe as he lost control, banging my head against the wall, punching me to the floor, and kicking me in the back. I never had the slightest sense of guilt, or any doubt that this was both unjust and wrong.
When I left home following a particularly savage beating, my mother found other ways to punish me: she told all our family friends that I was mad and breaking up her marriage. It became intolerable, and after a few years I left the country to be free of this harassment. Meanwhile, as my mother gained confidence with age and became less submissive, she herself made a bid for some independence in the form of attending night school. My father became even more controlling of her, and after a beating that resulted in serious injury she left him; but until her death many years later, she continued to blame me for destroying the family.
In time, I got an excellent education, and had a satisfying career and family life of my own; but on visits to my home town, family friends – usually male – would say slyly: “You were a BAD girl”, or in a surprised tone, “You’ve done alright for yourself, haven’t you…”
While I never had therapy, I worked in therapeutic fields for over 50 years, and learned enough about family dynamics in general, and my parents’ own backgrounds in particular, to understand what happened in my family. Ultimately, it gave me the strength to forgive them, which has been very healing.
Hi Jo,
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story and I’m sorry to hear what you went through and most importantly I’m so proud of you to be able to forgive your family (this is extremely hard for 90% of people I spoke to and worked with) and finally healed! It took me 20 years to get to where you’re at which is why I decided to share my stories in hope to educate but also help those who are very much trapped this type of situation.
Take good care of yourself because you deserve to be happy with all that you went through. It takes a very strong minded like yourself to get through these type of pain.