Your sister is supposed to be your best friend. No matter what you go through, she’s the confidant you can always count on. She’ll be your biggest cheerleader and best friend, and maybe, sometimes, your worst enemy. So letting go of one of the people you love the most is not easy.
I have always struggled to connect with my mom, though we no longer have a relationship but never with my older sister.
My sister had always been my role model, even though we were treated completely differently by my parents, especially my mom.
I’ve always wanted the best for my sister and have always been very proud to be her little sister. Not once did I ever wish anything bad to happen to her because her happiness is very important to me.
Since the day that my sister was born, she received all the love from everyone in the family, especially from my mom for being pretty, smart, and very well-behaved.
As we grew older and immigrated to Canada, I started to notice the changes in my sister’s behavior and attitude.
The main reason is that I started to get better in school and receive more attention (specifically from men) and overall, I’m doing better.
We both grew apart slowly, especially when she started hanging out with her new friends and then her boyfriend. She became less caring, condescending, and sometimes purposely sabotaged when my life was doing well.
Simply put, she is happy when I’m miserable.
The most critical moment that I realized my sister was no longer the person I used to love was when she asked me this question: If my boyfriend, herself, and I went on a hike and both of them fell off the cliff, who would I save? My answer was her of course, I wasn’t even thinking twice.
When it was her turn, sadly, her answer was her boyfriend, now her husband. Her reason was that she had a life to live.
From that moment, I started to make mental notes on everything she said and did. I finally recognized what people were telling me was true that she was jealous of me and that her life didn’t turn out the way my family expected from her.
I guess we’re both destined for different things and far better off apart. It was a painful journey to accept that our relationship just wasn’t meant to be. But finally ending the relationship with my sister, accepting that truth, and letting go of her was one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done for myself.
You don’t have to keep toxic people in your life, not even your family. Moving on from your dysfunctional family relationships starts with some tough self-love and self-respect.
“Don’t hold on because you think there will be no one else. There will always be someone else. You’ve got to believe you are worth more than repeatedly hurt by someone who doesn’t care, and believe that someone will see what you are really worth and treat you the way you should be treated.” – Maya Angelou
Table of Contents
Growing Up Together Doesn’t Mean You’re Family
Many people feel obligated to keep their family in their lives even when they’re dysfunctional or abusive. Sometimes, parents will pull out the old idiom, “Blood is thicker than water,” but they only have half the truth.
The full saying is actually, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” In other words, you choose your family in this life, and bloodline isn’t an excuse to accept abuse or maltreatment.
When you think of “family,” what comes to mind? It may be pain, heartache, yelling, and constant disagreements. I grew up in a household that knew more tears than laughter, and I became painfully aware as I got older that my family was not what I wanted.
Letting go of a toxic sibling whom you loved and grew up with is very difficult not to mention the pain that comes with it. I was fortunate enough to make good friends who had healthy families, and I started to realize what family meant to me.
Now that I have a son, it becomes imperative for me to raise him well and that means creating a good environment for him to learn and grow up in That is when I realize more and more that I don’t want to have a relationship with my sister for that reason.
Family is support. Family is love. Family is acceptance, forgiveness, and encouragement. A person is your family when you know that they will support you through thick and thin, they will always act in your best interest, not their own.
Family isn’t easy to find in this world and if you’re fortunate enough to meet them, appreciate them.
Sibling Rivalry: Nobody is a Winner
Adult sibling rivalry is painful, demeaning, and often mentally destructive.
When you have a sibling who always casts a heavy shadow over you, you may constantly believe that you are not capable of achieving greatness. You can reach all you want, but you’ll never be quite tall enough to grasp what you want.
A Cornell University study found that out of 275 mothers with 681 children between them, 70 percent of mothers could identify a child they felt closer to. The mothers’ favoritism was linked to depression in adulthood.
Being the black sheep in my family, allowed me to see things as they were and gave me the strength to overcome life challenges that my sister didn’t have.
My sister was always told that she was smart, pretty, and gifted. So, when things don’t turn out the way they should, the result is intense jealousy, regret, and self-loathing.
I guess that was why I have a lot of sympathy for my sister and as a result,
I guess that was why I have a lot of sympathy for my sister and as a result, I want a relationship with my sister because I felt at the time it allowed me to save her from her unhappiness.
So, I ignored her mistreatments toward me on many occasions so she could feel better about herself. I know some of you might ask me why I did what I did. Because I can handle it and she can’t.
What I learned from this is that not everyone can accept the truth and that life is changing constantly. which is my sister is distancing herself from me. She can’t keep up with the changes and she doesn’t want to take the time to understand things didn’t go her way. why
We haven’t spoken for months now. In fact, she hasn’t seen my son and she told everyone it’s my fault and she didn’t do anything wrong. I miss her every day but I need to stand my ground. Letting go of her is the best for me and my family.
Nobody is the winner in this type of situation. The best thing you can do is respect yourself to decide to walk away and hope that the person will one day come back into your life.
Just Like Baseball: Three Strikes and the Game’s Over
One of the things that I will always be grateful for is that I’ve never viewed myself as a victim of all the family drama that I grew up in. I strongly believe that was what truly saved me from messing up my life and turned out far better than anyone ever expected.
As we got older, I learned how to form some friendships and met my best friend in high school and I realized what a normal family was like. My best friend had a sister who was four years her junior and they were like two peas in a pod.
I wasn’t jealous; I was heartbroken. I had grown so accustomed to being ousted by my sister that the weight of the relationship we’d never had collapsed on me all at once.
I distinctly remember breaking down in my best friend’s bedroom when her sister came in and playfully teased her about stealing her favorite sweater. My own sister would have cursed me out and called me a thief before going to our mother, who would tell me to get my own clothes and stop trying to “be like her. You can’t.”
While my life is going right, I see my sister become more unconsidered and unhappy with her life. A victim of my family and my mother’s love, she constantly seeks validation for everything she does.
Letting go of a loved one is not easy but you should it only when you’re ready and weigh all your options first.
A few months before I gave birth, I decided to give my sister the last chance to make things right between us.
I scheduled a sit down with my sister and told her exactly how I felt and everything that she had done that was wrong. Though I apologized for my part the only response she gave me was: “I don’t remember anything you said I’ve done.”. The end.
One thing that I learned after my conversation with my sister ended is that no matter how much you want someone to love you, you have to love yourself first. And sometimes, that means choosing to live without them.
Truth Over Faking
As painful as it was, I decided that it was time to end our toxic relationship. Letting go of someone who you grew up with and looked up to is very hurtful and it’s not for everyone.
For me, I couldn’t handle the passive-aggressive comments, constant comparison, and endless insults that weren’t worth my sanity, self-esteem, or happiness. Especially now that I have my son, I don’t want him to witness unhealthy behavior between family members.
If you have a family like mine, chances are that you’ve always known things needed to end, but you never knew when to make that final call. Mine was my son.
It will never be easy, but acceptance is the first step, and letting go should be your last option. If you’ve tried to reconcile and express your feelings only for things to stay exactly the same, then you know what you have to do for your own well-being.
It’s always worth giving things a try. But when you’ve lost track of how many chances you’ve given someone, it’s time to be honest with yourself, letting go and saying your goodbyes.
Things are never going to be the way you want. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, or that things would have worked out if you were just “good enough.”
You are enough. You always have been. It’s not your fault if your family can’t see that.
You Can’t Put Price on Your Sanity!
There is a good reason why the emergency design on the airplane is to take care of yourself before aiding someone else. If you’re not well or alive, who can you help really?
Think about that for a second.
Letting go of a toxic family relationship is hard, but it can be the first step toward living a healthier, happier life. You may hesitate to let go of your family because “family is everything,” but what does yours really give you? If all you ever feel like with them is an outsider or a failure, are they really doing you any favors?
Belonging comes from a lot of different places, and it’s not limited to your blood relatives. If you don’t have a good family, it’s not your fault. But you deserve love, happiness, and a sense of unconditional acceptance. You can find that, even if it’s not with the people who were meant to give it to you in the first place.
Related Posts:
- When You Should Let Go of Your Toxic Sister? My Personal Experience
- How to Cut Ties With a Toxic Sister Before Losing Your Mind
- Narcissist Sister: How I Learned the Red Flags and Cut All Ties
- How to Move On After Cutting Ties With Your Toxic Siblings?
- Why Are You So Tired After Leaving a Narcissist?
Thank you. I needed to read this. I’m struggling with letting go of a big sister who was never kind or loving towards me. I’m turning 60 this year and thought about writing her a letter saying life is short and can we get past whatever it is that has kept us from being loving sisters – but I am pretty sure it will not make a difference. I need to let her go and consider why I have spent so many years trying to get her to like me. And focus on the beautiful life I’ve made for myself in spite of her lifelong rejection.
Hi Andrea,
I understand how hard it is to let go of someone you loved and grew up with. I encourage you to write your sister the letter and express honestly how you feel. This way you won’t regret not doing it and know in your heart that you did everything you could to get back with her. I reached out to my sister two years ago and spoke honestly about what happened between us, she disregarded what I said and nothing had changed. However, I’m very happy with my life now because I have no regret and I took the first step to make things right with her, it just didn’t happen the way I was hoping for. I wish you the best and I think you’ll be ok. Live your life for you and no one else. Big hug!!
Jesus. I’m only 40 and I have two younger sisters. When they were little they loved me and they were so good to me. As they started to get older one turned on me multiple times for random stuff and then the other did too. I haven’t talked to one of them in over 5 yrs. The other 3 yrs or so. They both had children during that time. One sister had one child and the other had 3. I missed everything and I’ve let it take over my life. I’m actually crying as I write this and I don’t know why. I put my life on the line for them multiple times throughout their lives. Never would I ever betray either. Yet both have done bad things to me. I cry about it all the time and I don’t know why. I’ve even thought about ending my own life over it and many many other things that have throughout my life sense I was a teenager. When some people hear it they don’t even know how to respond to it. I don’t know. I’ve been miserable for a while now and I want to end it all but I haven’t yet…. Yet
Hoping you’re life has changed and you’ve begun to accept and find you’re own way
I stopped talking to my sister as she started acting disrespectfully towards me I’ve made a decision I don’t feel good around her….she punched my brother years ago and they don’t speak so the 3 of us don’t speak to each other my sons don’t speak to each other its all bizzare I’ve tried and am a good mum and had divorce 25yrs ago struggled had breast ca then became a nurse I get depressed at times also but look after people tale up a caring role keep busy love and wishes to you
How do you let go of 57 yrs of life with my sister who betrayed me several times in our past. I always forgave her & didn’t really want to believe I guess what was real about her until now. She betrayes me again. I have moved away from her & I have no more words for her, but how do I accept this without it
hindering who I am & moving forward in life at 100%. Right now I’m not feeling a 200% because of this.
Hi Belinda,
It will take time for you to feel ok with your decision. I’ve been there and I can tell you that there will be time where you wish you rather stay in a toxic relationship with your siblings and that’s ok. Your decision to part way with her is the right one though it’s hard but you need it. Don’t beat yourself up for it, if she chose to betray you meaning she doesn’t value you the way you are to her. Respect and love yourself enough to walk away the unhealthy relationships and situations that are not good for your peace of mind.
Thank you for this article.
Black sheep here.
My situation is complicated as I am the caretaker of my mom (provide daily food and address other needs at her home where she lives on her own); therefore, I can:t divorce my family completely. My mom is manipulative and thrives on disfuction, but I call her on it.
After researching this topic, I called my brother and told him of my intention of limiting my engagement with my sister because she’s toxic. I gave my brother’s fiance credit for correcting the relationship I have with him, implying I would drop him too if he didn’t stay the course towards me..
It is inevitable that I will run into my sister at some point because we have the same parent. I’m just trying to figure out a graceful way to limit my engagement severely as even text messages are misconstrued. I am sad, but I have come to the realization that I need to limit interactions with her and her equally toxic fiance for my mental health. Suggestions on limiting this relationship would be appreciated as I can’t sever it completely.
Thanks.
Hi Patricia,
I hope you’re doing well and thank you for stopping by.
It’s a hard one and I get how you feel completely. Before you do anything, I would encouraged you to talk to your sister first and explain to her openly how you feel and what your intention is moving forward. That was what I did before I completely remove her from my life and since then, it was great for me and my family. I want you to leave the relationship without any regret that you’ve done everything you could to save the bond you have with your sister.
Once you’ve done that, if somehow your sister doesn’t change then for any communication that your sister want to have with you, she can pass over the information to your brother. Finally, if she is visiting your mom, she can let your brother knows in advance so you can leave the house while she is around.
This is what I’ve done with my siblings and my dad is very helpful with the arrangement so I don’t run into my sister or my brother. Take one step at a time and don’t be too hard on yourself.
I wish you the best and take care.
I have one sister but im turning my back i dont feel the love for years and its time to let go forever now sad but i will be okay
I understand exactly how you feel. As long as you make peace with your decision, you can forward with confidence.
xo
Kolyanne
I am, once again, feeling heartbroken. My older sister simply does not have the capacity to give love to me or to include me in anything. For years I have tried to make sure she was included. She has never married, with very few, short-term relationships. And no children. I even had her be present for the birth of my youngest.
It seems that the only way to hear from her or to see her has to come from me. She tells me she’s so busy she hasn’t had time to call. Recently a mutual friend passed away. I live in a different area.
She told me about the funeral after the fact. I told her I was hurt that she didn’t think to let me know. I told her it hurt every time she excluded me. She told me “She was sorry I felt that way.”
Yesterday she told me about an event in our hometown that was “so much fun”. I told her that I would have liked to be included. To this, she replied that it happened too soon to plan ahead.
So here I am again! I’m a 65 year baby. This causes such struggle and low self esteem. I just want to crawl into a hole and go away………Do I stay away? I know she won’t call me.
Thanks for giving me a place to get this out.
Hi Jane,
Thank you for sharing your story with me and the readers who are dealing with similar situation right now.
One thing I can tell you for sure is that, she can’t give you the love you want if she doesn’t love herself. To me it sounded like you have a wonderful life and have a good healthy family that you can go to where your sister can’t.
It’s not you but it’s your sister who needs to work on her problems. The fact that she doesn’t include you in any events because she feels that you have a good life where she doesn’t so you don’t need anymore. I can say this with confident because my sister is the same way.
My sister believes that the more things she has to do and go to, she has a better life than me but in reality she is unhappy. The sooner you understand that, the sooner you’ll be able to work on letting her go.
My advice to you Jane and I’m sorry if it’s a hush truth but to enjoy your life and move forward. If she decides to come around, great but if she doesn’t you have to accept it. Your life is painful reminder for her empty life and that is how I truly feel.
Appreciate your life and the family that you have, don’t hang on to a dead branch because once it snaps you will fall and hurt yourself.
If I can do it, you can to.
Thank you Jane for stopping by!
Kolyanne
What sort of question is falling from a cliff ? Wow
Thanks Gareth for the comment. I think her question at that was to illustrate the importance of who she thought should be in her life that she most valued. I wasn’t that for her.
Hi Kolyanne
My name is Ryan from South Africa.
I was going through so much that when I hit the google engine, I stumbled upon your blog and its so relatable.
Yesterday my sister and I had an argument. My sister is at a high paying job and I’m an entrepreneur that is struggling (which I know I will get through). Because she is at a high paying job and I am struggling, it feels like she can tell me everything that I should do with my life. I am 27 years old and she told me that I must have my life sorted out when I am 30. In all honesty, there is no timeline for anything in this world.
After we had this heated argument I told her I wanted to go home. So I have a journal and wrote everything down and once everything was written down, I realised how toxic she was. Everyone says that she is looking out for me but in actuality she is just there to push me down.
I will give an example. When my business was flourishing, I thought ok now I need to upgrade my lifestyle but at the same time I am a very private person when I do things. So I bought 2 phones: 1 for business, 1 for anything personal. I put one phone in the cupboard and kept the other on me. One day she went into my cupboard and saw the phone which was inevitable. So one Saturday when we went to the mall and had a quick bite, I asked her to hold my phone while I go to the bathroom, she says : “yes like I should do with the other phone that you have” . She then tells her boyfriend and he says oh you are rich.
When I told them I am going to be a millionaire, they just laughed. When they would go to the beach or out anywhere they would not even ask. When I need help they wouldn’t help. It’s just a sad thing to feel. It’s almost like they want to see you struggle for I dont know what reason.
Im really sorry for offloading like this but I can feel your pain. I know its tough when you care so much but when you are a bright light in this world, the world will extinguish your light, and you just need to find a way to ignite that light again.
Much love
Hi Ryan,
No worries. This is why I decided to create this blog is for people who are dealing with life challenges, whatever might be can share what they are going through so that we all can learn from it.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi Kolyanne,
Trying to stay resolute in my decison to remove myself from direct contact with my younger sister.
I have a twin brother who has been caught in the middle of this completely toxic relationship.
It is complicated as I was nominated as Mum & Dad’s Power of attorney. Still managing the estate & health needs for my Mum, my Dad has now passed away.
My sister is living in the same town as my Mum who is now in a rest home. I live in another country. This has made managing day to day issues, really hard without my younger sister’s involvement.
I have realised at the age of 59 that I was the blacksheep of the family. Kicked out of home at age 17 on the back of a lie my little sister told our Mother. My father confirmed this prior to his death.
My sister has started a really awful smear campaign against me, fabricating events and giving false information to my twin brother. She has covertly contacted my husband and even his sister whom I have had a friendship with, for over 30 years.
It was not sucessful with my husband and sister-in-law but it is playing havoc with my brother.
He has his own health issues & it is really hard to pass information through him. To be completely honest I really do not know where I stand with him either.
It has been a brutal few years, lost my Dad, my Mum-In Law & my beautiful 17 year old Border Collie. I am now, (I think) also grieving the lost relationship with my sister.
I have to continue contact through my brother but am realising I face the reality of losing my relationship with him, as soon as my Mother passes.
His behaviour is strongly suggestive that he has taken on board a lot of the fabrications & guilt trips my isiter has put on him. I love him dearly but will let him go without a fuss. I have no more fight left in me & I care about his ongoing health issues. I am trying to focus on my own family and am thankful that my sister has no connections to other supportive friends I have, in the country I reside in.
A truth has dawned on me, these friends know a lot more about me & my life than both of my siblings. They are caring, respectful of my opinions, even when they do not agree with me. They don’t call me names, make up lies about me, lean on me when they need support without offering reciprocal support, when I need their support back. In other words it not all about them all the time.
I would write a letter to my sister but after going back through years of corrspondence & my diaries I have finally accepted my sister can only see all bad or all good. There is no in between she does not have the capability to self-reflect. Apologies in the past for percieved slights have been ridiculed.
“My husband and I had a good chortle over your email”. This response to an apology I made to end a long bout of silent treatment. I did not know what I had done to trigger this behaviour in the first place. My husband was strongly against my decison to apologise, he was aware & involved in all interactions prior to this point. I am now giving her what she has indicated she wants, less of me in fact, any of me.
Appreciate your blog, sibling estrangement is almost a shameful thing to acknowledge. Not many people understand not only how sad it is but how necessary it can sometimes be to save your own sanity.
I got you Robyn, it was a hard decision on my part as well but it was necessary for me to do so.
This resonates greatly. Thank you!
I’m glad it did. Thank you for stopping by.
I have never felt loved by my older sister she always jumped at any chance to humiliate me in front of others as far back as I can remember and hurt my feelings and to this day she excludes me from everything and always points out my short comings and hurts my feelings all the time I live with my mother I am her caretaker my sister lives 3 streets over so there is no escaping her and the pain she causes me and everybody in our family extended family also thinks she’s like gold and they think I have issues not her I just don’t have any answers and I have become very depressed and I don’t know what to do I do know I need to leave my toxic family my mother is toxic also but how do I leave my elderly mother ? We are to honor our parents but it’s to the point where I am questioning my own sanity and it’s like the farther I fall the happier my sister is . She will not even allow me 5 mi uses of her time to talk about anything I feel as if I am being buried alive ! Help !
Hey Teresa, my advice to you is that don’t hang on to something that give you more grief and toxicity in your life. Take time to consider the best course of action for you, sometimes it’s necessary to remove toxic family members from your life in order for you to live a happier and healthier one.
I am glad I came across your blog as it is so helpful. I have a sister who is 4 years older than me. She was the golden child in the family as she always did her best to please my parents. We have been ok but never been close, she never shared anything about her life with me ever while I for so long tried to create a bond and told her about my life , asked her for advice etc .
Little by little and especially after our parents passed away I realised how much there is no bond between us. She hasn’t invited me to her home for more than ten years. Our parents were why we were still in contact. She didn’t help me at all at my wedding and she brought her husband to my parents home shortly after my dad passed away in his home (my parents didn’t get on well with him) even though I told her how I wasn’t ready and how much it stressed me out. More recently I shared a health concern (worrying diagnosis) I have and she sent me a very neutral response. I just realise she doesn’t feel any interest or bond with me and that I should let go of the illusion of having a friend in ny sister. She is the last relative I have but I know it is better for me to free myself from the pain this is causing me. It’s not easy to let go but it’s sometimes so necessary …
Oh! I can’t agree with you more. It’s a mandate sometimes.
Thank you so much for the article! Classic Black Sheep here!
I have one younger sister and & I have been been dealing with sibling rivalry my entire life. For a while, after she moved when she 1st got married she acted briefly like a sister.
Our lives went in directions mainly due to the health issues. Through much therapy I have came to found out that not only is /was my dad a narcissist but I never had that transition period with my parents from child to friend like my sister has. They too have fueled the flame because everything is built on money & prestige.
I got tired of the way I was being treated & when it started affected my daughter ” of poverty’s” I know it was time to cut these toxic people out of our lives and let the healing begin.
Good for you! You should be proud of yourself to have the mindset to make such a tough decision but a necessary one.
Hi
A very interesting article, two years ago I fell out with my younger sister when she announced she was leaving the country and wanted to leave her oldest son behind and expect my mother to look after him. He has a lot of issues. I’m said to her that how could she leave him behind? And also I didn’t think my mother Would be able to meet his needs. She turned on me, swearing and leaving nasty voice messages. She eventually left don’t say goodby, brought her son with her but has created a narrative that that I am the villain. She also ignore my other siblings and left them without saying goodbye too but has recently started to message them. She iced me out before a few years an ago and didn’t speak to me for about five years. She is fine as long as you don’t disagree with her or have a different opinion. She moved closer to an uncle whom she will be the benefactor of his will and I think she moved there to mind her inheritance. She is very controlling, and manipulates people so well. I was a very good sister supporting her through many a drama in her life. Aways there for her. I feel so broken by the way she has treated me and how she has fractured our family. She recently sent a message to me saying she wants a civil relationship but I just can’t do fake anymore. I don’t want to be hurt. How do I move on and let go from her. I could really do with the advice. She is very toxic.
Hmmmm Am an older sister but not treated fairly my mom keeps saying am behaving foolishly just because my sister was telling her stupid boyfriend that am a bad person i then went through her chat and told the guy why would he say such about me i and my sister had an argument which my mum knew about and started insulting me though before my mum knew this my sis opened my phone and cut off the wire that connects to my phone screen and am a heavy sleeper i don’t notice things easily when am asleep
Whenever i try defending my self i always been shut out
As a Muslim it said that we should forgive each other but this i won’t forgive her even till my last breath until she comes to me and say yes i spoiled ur phone on purpose
Shr does so many things i overlook every thing she does but this hurt me so bad cause my mum keep saying am at fault 😭😭
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I thought of doing harmful things to my self but just got hope to live cause i know i have a better future ahead
I’m in this boat now. Very similar situation. I opened up to her and gave her another chance, but she dismissed it as well.
Has anyone communicated to their sibling they are ending it? Or just don’t say anything and move on? Asking because I want her to know and know why.
I know how difficult it was to make that decision, and I know even more how hard it is to keep it. I haven’t spoken to my sister in 4 years but our relationship has been over for 12. I’ve seen her once in those for years, and it took tremendous mental and physical energy. She is older by almost 4 years and something was always off. We were military brats (both parents colonels in the AF), and our childhood was never stable. She suffered and instead of bonding over our disrupted lives (moving 5 time), she took her hate out on me. She had no empathy for me and was relentless, whether it be Christmas when I was 7 or right before she walked down the aisle when I was 22. It wasn’t a secret how abusive she was to me, my parents were just too busy to deal with it and we had no other family around. No aunts/uncles/cousins, we left them in Texas. And my mom’s parents from Boston died when I was 10, cancer and dementia. My mom wasn’t the best mother, in fact I do believe she was the reason we were not close. It was easier for her if we didn’t have a relationship because it gave her more power. We were constantly compared; I was “pretty,” “smart,” and “athletic.” It was wrong the way I was favored and inevitable a child would come to resent another. We both were victims of narcissistic parenting; I internalized my pain and she externalized it. At 23 years old, repressed memories came back to me about things she did to me when she was coming of age and exploring sexual curiosity (middle school). The memories caused serious emotional distress evident through my continuous self destructive behaviors and really dangerous situations I found myself in. I was so self destructive and stunted in life that patterns were repeating and I was letting others hurt me too — because that was the only love I knew. I was buried deep in trauma and the only way I could heal was to remove the constant variable dangerous to my self-esteem and ability to make an adult life. I’ve distanced myself from my parents, but I had to remove sister completely. My parents are controlling, my sister was cruel. It was the best adult decision I have ever made and heartbreaking nonetheless. She is married with children I don’t know, and I am truly happy for her. She has found healing in religion and I know that’s helped her a lot. I’ve found healing through therapy and building healthy, lasting relationships. I got a high paying job, moved myself into a city, have wonderful friends and a caring and loving partner. I haven’t shared the extent of the abuse, but he is aware enough that he doesn’t question it. My strongest desire in life is to be a part of a family. I realized that it’s very possible I could become part of his and his siblings, and we could make our own (I’m about to be 28, he is turning 34). As devastating as it still is that mine is so broken….(I don’t blame her development as a child; I blame the military and my parents), I know I still have a chance at my dream and it’s possible. I had to figure out how to take care of myself and stop alcohol, drugs, abusive relationships, self harm, eating disorders, traumatic experiences from robbing me of a good life. No those things wouldn’t have happened if my childhood was healthy, but I know what not to do as a parent and my goal will be to pay attention, be there, be kind, nurture their self-esteem and relationships with one another. I’m still healing and confused. For instance, would I want her there at my wedding someday? I don’t know. I don’t think so, but I don’t want to make mistakes either. It’s sad but we will never have a relationship as we never did in the first place. She is who she is and I must protect myself even though I am sure she has done much to heal too. Cutting ties and setting boundaries is self preservation and you must make difficult decisions when it comes to your health and prosperity. I wish you the very best.
Xx
I am in a situation with my brother where he does NOT want me to make friends and have a romantic relationship/get married!
All because he is afraid of being alone and lonely
We fight about this CONSTANTLY and I just want to be with a man!
If I don’t do something about this now I will never get to my goal!!!
What should I do?
Cut him out of my life completely?
This has destroyed my mental health and caused me to feel depressed!
Hi,
My sister stopped putting in any effort or time for me around 3 years back. All she cares about are her friends, her work, and her romantic life. She asks me for a lot of help, which I gladly give her, because we’ve always been super close, but when she’s not asking for help, she has an extremely rude attitude towards me. The way she talks to me, and the way she constantly uses my things without my permission and then ruins them, is honestly very shocking to me because I had never imagined or relationship could ever be like this. Whenever I talk to her about this, she says she’s sorry, but she never actually does anything about it and just continues with the same demeaning behavior towards me. She completely takes me for granted. I feel very bad whenever I interact with her and she’s also clearly shown that she doesn’t intent to change. I need to accept that she has grown to become a very different person, and that I cannot expect to have the same relationship with her that I had 7-8 years back. It breaks my heart that this has become my reality.
I haven’t spoken to my brother, his wife or his children in over a year. I wasn’t sure until I shared his messages from the past and at the time of our mother’s passing to others that I was told I was being treated horribly.
We have all walked on eggshells around my brother in fear of what would set him off. It’s not a way to live with family. No one should have to feel that way.
I miss my sister-in-law and my nieces and nephew. Although I do believe they are told different stories than the truth.
I was the executer of our mothers’ will. I was added to her bank accounts two months prior to her passing so we could settle things quickly and easily and spilt all her financials equally among three of us. Apparently, I was supposed to tell my brother all of my mothers information all these years, information about her finances I didn’t even know.
I was accused of lying and not giving his fair share of the money. I don’t know if he thought our parents were millionaires?
I am in therapy now to deal with all the messages and accusations. I thought this was the norm, how he treated his siblings. Now neither of us speak to him and we are at peace. I hope he finds peace too because he’ll jeopardize everything he has if he doesn’t.