Why Narcissists Love to See You in Pain?: How I Stop Giving Them That Power

I remember the exact moment I realized my narcissistic ex and family enjoyed seeing me suffer.

98% of the time, I had to pour my heart out, explaining how discarded I felt, how it crushed me when they shut me out with silence.

They just looked at me. And smirked.

That smile did something to me. It was the smile of someone who wasn’t confused by my pain, but fueled by it. It was calm, almost satisfied, like they had just won a game I didn’t even know we were playing.

I used to think I was being dramatic. I gaslit myself into believing I had misunderstood them.

But I’ve learned the hard way: some people, especially narcissists, need to see you in pain. It reminds them how much control they have over me. That they still “matter.”

If you’ve ever felt crazy for noticing the satisfaction in their silence or the smugness in their calm, this is your confirmation: you’re not imagining it.

Why Narcissists Feed on Your Pain?

I used to believe emotional intimacy meant honesty. That if I could just explain myself clearly, if I could show my pain in a raw, unfiltered way, he would meet me there. That my narcissistic family and my toxic ex would soften. Apologize. Change.

But they never did. And the more I opened up, the more they seemed to close in.

Looking back now, I see what I couldn’t see then: I wasn’t offering them a connection. I was handing them control.

Every tear, every trembling confession, every desperate attempt to be understood… it was like currency. And the more I gave, the more powerful they became.

Narcissists don’t just witness your pain. They study it. They learn exactly where it lives in your body, what makes your voice crack, what shuts you down, what keeps you up at night, and they hold that knowledge like leverage.

I remember one night, after a particularly cruel argument with my narcissistic ex, I said, “You know how much that hurt me.” And he replied, “Yeah, I do.”

Not with remorse. With pride. That was the moment it clicked.

To a narcissist, your emotional pain doesn’t register as something to soothe. It registers as something that proves they matter. That they can still reach you. That you’re still emotionally orbiting them.

And science backs this up. According to a study, narcissistic traits are associated with low proneness to guilt and shame, and a high resistance to empathy.

In other words, what breaks you doesn’t faze them, because they don’t process guilt the way you do. Your suffering doesn’t trigger reflection. It reinforces their sense of superiority.

They don’t feel loved when you open your heart. They feel important when they see that they still have the power to break it.

And once I saw that, really saw it, I stopped expecting empathy from someone who interpreted my suffering as a symbol of their relevance.

Because when someone needs you to hurt in order to feel whole, that’s not love. That’s control dressed in manipulation.

And I was done feeding it.

5 Reasons Narcissists Love to See You Hurt

It took me years to realize this, but narcissists don’t stumble into your pain; they orchestrate it.

And when they see it land, when they watch it seep into your bones, they get what they came for. Confirmation of their power.

Here’s what I’ve experienced, and what I want you to know.

1. It Makes Them Feel Superior

There’s a specific kind of look I used to get from my narcissistic ex whenever I was at my worst, crying, begging, falling apart.

It wasn’t disgusting. It wasn’t pity. It was a look of… amusement. Like he was watching a scene he’d already predicted, and he was right all along.

In those moments, I wasn’t a person to him. I was evidence. That I was “too emotional.” That I was “crazy.” That he was “the stable one.”

My pain made him feel elevated.

I remember one night, I told him through tears, “You’re hurting me.” He didn’t flinch. He said, “That’s your interpretation.”

And walked away.

Narcissists crave superiority. It’s how they build their identity. When you’re down, it puts them up. When you question yourself, it reinforces their illusion that they are emotionally stronger, more rational, and more evolved.

But none of that’s true. They’re just better at suppressing what they feel, and better at making you carry the emotional weight.

2. It’s a Way to Punish You for Setting Boundaries

When I started saying no to my narcissistic family, things changed. And not in the way I hoped.

I remember telling my toxic older sister I couldn’t keep dropping everything to listen to her daily drama. I said it kindly. But that wasn’t what she heard. What she heard was betrayal.

She didn’t respond to the boundary with understanding. She punished me with silence. She stopped inviting me to family dinners. She told our mother I was “too full of myself now.”

Narcissists see boundaries not as healthy limits, but as acts of defiance. And defiance has consequences.

When I distanced myself from my toxic ex, he’d send me passive-aggressive messages like, “Glad to see you’re doing fine without me,” or he’d suddenly post pictures with someone new, just days after telling me he missed me.

It was always about reminding me that stepping away would cost me something.

And for a while, it did. But eventually, the peace of distance outweighed the pain of punishment.

3. They Enjoy Watching You Break Like They Once Did

This one took the longest for me to understand.

My narcissistic ex had told me stories about his childhood. His father was cold and unpredictable. His mother ignored him when he cried. He learned early that emotions were weakness, and vulnerability was dangerous.

I thought sharing my softness would teach him how to be safe with his own. But I was wrong.

Every time I got emotional, he became crueler. When I cried, he’d mock me. When I needed reassurance, he’d disappear.

It wasn’t until I spoke to my therapist that it clicked: He’s not afraid of emotions. He wants me to feel what he once felt.

Breaking me made him feel powerful in a way he never did as a child. Watching me crumble gave him a sense of control over something he couldn’t control back then: emotional chaos.

This isn’t a justification. It’s an explanation. One that helped me let go of the need to fix him.

4. It’s How They Know They Still Have Power Over You

He could still ruin my day with one message.

Even after I blocked him, he’d find ways. Through email, through mutual friends, through vague posts I knew were about me.

One time, months after I went no contact, he posted a quote: “Some people pretend to heal, but they’re just hiding.”

It gutted me. Not because it was true, but because it was strategic. He knew exactly how to get under my skin.

That’s the thing with narcissists, they don’t need to be loud to be effective. They test your emotional temperature with subtle pokes. If you react, they know they still matter.

And I did react. For a long time.

Until one day, I didn’t. I saw the message. I felt the tug. But instead of spiraling, I turned off my phone and went for a walk.

That was the first time I chose my peace over his chaos.

5. It Keeps You Focused on Them, Not You

There’s a strange emptiness that sets in after leaving a narcissist. Not because you miss them, but because for so long, your identity revolved around surviving them.

I spent years trying to decode him. Was he angry? Was he sad? Was it something I said? Something I didn’t do?

Every emotional storm pulled me deeper into him and further away from myself.

That’s the real tragedy. Narcissists don’t just hurt you. They rob you of focus. Of time. Of identity.

And when I finally stopped trying to understand him and started asking, What do I want? What do I need? Everything shifted.

My healing began when I stopped waiting for answers from him and started giving myself permission to move on without closure.

How to Emotionally Cut Off Their Supply (Without Saying a Word)?

You don’t have to explain. You don’t have to yell. You don’t even have to say goodbye.

You just have to stop feeding them.

The most powerful thing I ever did? I stopped arguing. I stopped caring what he thought. I stopped letting him pull me into an emotional war.

And the silence? It was louder than any goodbye I could’ve screamed.

Quick Recap & Takeaway

• Narcissists feed on your pain because it gives them power, purpose, and emotional superiority.
• They punish your boundaries because they threaten their control.
• They see your breakdowns as justice, not tragedy.
• Your reaction is their fuel, whether it’s love or rage.
• Your attention keeps them centered in your emotional universe.

But here’s the truth that changed everything for me:

You don’t have to fight to be understood by someone who only wants to break you. You only have to choose yourself. Quietly. Firmly. Over and over again.

Your healing isn’t about showing them your strength.

It’s about reclaiming it for yourself.

Final Thoughts: Your Healing Is Your Power

Once I stopped trying to make my narcissistic family and ex understand how much they hurt me, everything changed.

I took my power back by going silent, going inward, and choosing me.

If you’re ready to stop feeding the narcissist with your pain and start rebuilding a life that feels like peace, purpose, and truth, The Next Chapter was built for that.

It’s where we untangle the lies, rebuild self-trust, and rise. Quietly. Powerfully. For good. Because healing doesn’t need permission. It needs a decision, and you just made it.

You’re done explaining. Now you get to start living.